I don’t know how long I stayed awake watching Eric sleep, but even though he’d exhausted my body, my mind wouldn’t shut down and instead of replaying the matches of our sex Olympics I kept coming back to what he’d said earlier that morning before the elevator doors closed. It had been a while since he’d brought up his amnesia, but then we’d had a lot going on in the last few weeks and while I knew it still bothered him on some level I hadn’t realized just how much until he’d spat out those words. It would be easy to blame his anger on his mother’s sudden arrival and on some level I knew she had a lot to do with it, but even more than the hurt I felt over his nasty tone, I was worried about what he might do if she screwed him over again. Our lives had changed so much since we first woke up in that Vegas hotel room, but in the grand scheme of things what was seven months of our marriage compared to a lifetime of the hurt she’d caused him?
Would Lilly and I be enough to keep him from going over the edge a second time?
If he hadn’t come right back to try and make things right – if Pam hadn’t shown up and given us a reason to not focus on the metaphorical ticking time bomb his mother represented – I don’t know if I would’ve been able to calm down enough to see it wasn’t really me he’d been angry with. What I didn’t know was if it was his mother or himself he was angrier with and seeing how easily she could draw him back in, I was afraid if I pushed him too hard by stubbornly refusing her presence in our lives he would break and I loved him too much to be the one to do that to him.
I just hoped I would be enough to fix him if she broke him again.
What I really hoped was that she would just disappear again so we wouldn’t have to worry about her at all. If only I could summon that elusive Vegas odds man to see what the numbers looked like I might be able to get some sleep, but since he didn’t happen to be in our San Diego hotel room I was shit out of luck and out of time to get any sleep anyway. Eric didn’t stir at all when I got out of bed and he was still down for the count when I emerged from the bathroom after my shower, but I let him sleep in knowing he needed the rest.
And a small part of me hoped if we just happened to arrive at the hospital at the same time Dad did, then maybe we could put off Crystal for one more day.