What in the hell just happened?
Even more concerning was what in the fuck did I just do?
My head was a mess and had been since I first laid eyes on my mother. I didn’t know how to feel or what I felt at all about any of it and while I didn’t know if it was true, the one thing I knew I did feel was that in some way I was being forced to choose between my mother and the mother of my child, but if that was the case then it was already out of my hands.
I already knew I could be happy without my mother, but I also knew without a doubt I’d be miserable without Sookie.
The elevator doors had just closed when I whipped back around and hit the button for them to open again, barely waiting for them to part enough for me to slip in between them and seeing the tears falling from her eyes – knowing I was the cause of them – was like a punch to my gut. I instinctually reached for her as I closed the gap in between us and yanked her into my arms, thankful she didn’t push me away, and inhaled her scent trying to calm my nerves as I whispered into her hair, “I’m an asshole. I’m sorry.”
I may not have been able to remember those first three weeks after we’d met, but I remembered all too well how empty I’d felt before she’d come into my life. It had been my mother’s earlier rapid fire questions about how Sookie and I had met that had brought my frustrations to the surface – both at my mother’s inquisition and my amnesia – that made me lash out, but I knew that didn’t make it right.
I was literally trembling as we stood there so I was sure she could feel it, but the emotions stirring inside of me were too much – too many – too conflicting for me to make sense of anything at the moment. Anger, remorse, frustration, and fear all tried to fight their way to the surface, but all I could do was try and keep it together until I figured out a way to sort through them all. All I knew for sure was that I loved Sookie more than anything and while I didn’t appreciate her attitude towards my mother, I could at least understand why she would feel that way. Had the situation been reversed I knew I wouldn’t have had the fortitude to be half as pleasant as she had been.
“I’m sorry too,” she sniffled into my chest. “I was being a bitch, so that cancels out your assholery.”
The tension I felt eased somewhat knowing I hadn’t done any irreparable damage to our relationship. She was the best thing that had ever happened to me and I felt like the world’s biggest dick for being such a prick to her a few moments earlier. We argued over stupid things all the time – it was a lot like foreplay for us in the past, but this wasn’t anything like one of those times and the guilt I felt weighed on me as I admitted, “I don’t like it when we fight. Not like that.”
Her arms tightened their hold around my waist before she pulled back far enough to look up at me and smiled with unshed tears still in her eyes as she said softly, “We’re like Tyson and Holyfield. At least we fuck like champs too.”
She always knew just what to say to make me feel better.
I couldn’t help chuckling at her assertion and felt like an even bigger idiot for everything I’d said and done over the last few minutes. No matter what life threw at us, as long as we were good, I knew we could handle it. We still needed to talk about it all and try to come to some sort of agreement on the newest curveball in our life – my mother’s sudden reappearance, but that’s what it was – our life.
Sookie was my rock. She was what kept me grounded. She managed to make me both strong and weak at the same time because there was no obstacle that I wouldn’t overcome to be with her and yet she was my biggest vulnerability because she could easily destroy me by simply walking out the door. The only reason I was okay with that fact was because I trusted her like no one else. No one knew me like she did. No one but her could make me smile or laugh so easily. No one else had ever loved me so unconditionally and no one else ever made me feel like I was enough.
I’d be a fool not to see I’d be no one without her.
Of course my small reprieve only lasted so long because God clearly hated me at times – or He enjoyed having me as the punch line to his jokes – when one of the other elevators slid open to reveal Pam. She stepped out with her critical eyes taking in both our embrace and Sookie’s tear stained eyes before rolling her own and with her hand gesturing at the two of us, she asked, “Is this because of the link I emailed you a few days ago showing Johnny Depp was in Vegas the night you two got married?”
“No Pam,” I huffed while Sookie tried to hide her snickering against my chest. I liked him – or at least I used to until I realized just how much Sookie liked him – and even though I couldn’t remember that night, I was sure I would have hit him over the head with a bottle of rum if he’d tried to put the moves on her.
Besides, it had been my pictures plastered all over her childhood bedroom walls. Not that 21 Jump Street mother fucker.
“Well is it because of the picture I included with it of him photoshopped next to Sookie on top of a wedding cake? They really do make a handsome couple.”
Sookie chortled while I snarled, “No Pam,” wondering if I was paying her too much considering all of the extra time she seemed to have on her hands to dedicate so much of it purely to fuck with me.
“The photoshopped picture of the wedding night?”
“No.” I would recognize Sookie’s naked body anywhere and that woman didn’t come close to her perfection, but the only reason my laptop survived was because the guy in the picture was clearly inferior.
“The bullet points listing the similarities in physical attributes between Johnny Depp and Lilly?” My answering growl had her making an exaggerated wink like she’d gotten something in her eye – making me contemplate putting my fist there – as she exclaimed, “That’s obviously a pirate’s wink Eric.”
“He’s not a real fucking pirate, Pam!” I spat back.
He was Tim Burton’s bitch.
Rasul was trying to hide his amusement – just like Sookie – while Mustapha openly glared at Pam – just like me.
At least we each had one person on our side when it came to Pam.
Sookie was still smiling when she pulled away, saying, “Enough Pam. You told me, and I quote, ‘Lilly is the carbon copy of the blond giant,’ so there’ll be no Maury Povich ‘Who’s My Baby Daddy’ specials in our future. Besides, after everything you’ve seen up until you learned how to use a doorbell, you of all people should know I only want Eric’s Kraken.” Even though Rasul and Mustapha had moved further down the hall to give us some privacy, Sookie automatically blushed realizing she’d slipped up saying one of her many nicknames for The Captain out loud while Pam mock gagged, but I felt a different kind of growl roll through my chest. Thanks to everything else, I’d forgotten what the night possibly held in store for us and I was anxious for Sookie to be cleared by the doctor knowing, if nothing else, I could easily lose myself by releasing the Kraken and fucking her all night long.
It would certainly clear both of my heads.
“And anyhow,” Sookie said casually, “the wink is no more.” Looking up at me, she smiled, adding, “Both of her eyes were open this morning.”
My heart sunk knowing I’d missed seeing it…
I winced hearing Pam’s squeal and looked over to see her digging in her giant bag before she pulled out a tiny pair of pink sunglasses, saying, “Then these arrived just in time.”
“Seriously Pam?” Sookie laughed.
“I know,” she frowned. “They’re not much to look at, but there isn’t a huge selection of designer sunglasses for babies, so these will have to do until my little princess gets bigger.”
“That’s not what I meant,” she chuckled, taking them from Pam. “They’re adorable, but it’s not like she’s going to be walking the red carpet any time soon. Or even walking any time soon.”
“Sookie,” Pam chided. “That baby will be the most photographed little girl in the world the second she leaves this place and I don’t want her itty bitty Johnny Depp-like eyes to be hurt from the camera flashes. God knows I might not be as traumatized had I worn a pair before walking into your den of iniquity.”
“It’s just a den,” Sookie snickered, “but the whole house would qualify. You just never caught us in the kitchen or on the dining room table.” Sookie laughed seeing Pam’s expression and I laughed too remembering where she sat for Christmas dinner, but knowing she was right – the media would dog our every step – made living full time in Bon Temps sound better and better. Even if only to get away from Pam’s daily dose of bullshit, but that only made me realize Sookie and I had a ton of stuff we still needed to talk about and that didn’t even include the clusterfuck of a morning we’d had. Now certainly wasn’t the time for any of it though, but realizing Sookie still hadn’t eaten anything, I rubbed her back and said, “Why don’t you two head back down and get something to eat before your appointment. I’ll go in and see Lilly for a bit until then.”
Sookie’s raised eyebrow in my direction preceded her concerned reply of, “Okay, but Dad is in there.”
Dad – who didn’t know about Mom. I knew what she was asking, without coming out and asking – would I tell him about her – so I just shrugged noncommittally because I didn’t know the answer yet. I’d never told him about the only other time she’d been in my life, but only because I didn’t want the hot mess that had turned out to be to weigh him down. Even though he was sober now and we were actually getting along great, I knew he still carried a lot of guilt over my childhood and considering what I also now knew – her disappearing act was what drove him to drink – I’d been afraid of what it might do to him if I told him about that time in my life.
Since Pam didn’t know either and had no clue what we were talking about, she asked, “Is he being a prick?” She didn’t give either one of us the time to answer, adding, “I should’ve known better than to think me, of all people, could actually start to like Dick.”
I wasn’t prepared to spill the Mom-beans to Pam at the moment knowing I’d get Pam’d and Sookie knew me well enough to know that as well because she patted my chest and gave me a quick kiss before grabbing Pam by the hand and led her away, saying, “Well Pam, I think Jason is going to be heartbroken when he hears you don’t like dick anymore.”
As they stepped into the elevator with Rasul in tow, Pam shrugged, admitting, “It was a phase. I was just experimenting.”
I shook my head trying to clear the ick from my brain and turned to head to the doors leading to the NICU when Mustapha asked, “The woman from earlier, she is your mother?” After I nodded, he asked, “If she returns when you aren’t here, is she to be allowed to visit your daughter?”
That was the sixty-four thousand dollar question. In actuality, it was closer to fifty thousand considering how much her first visit had cost me, but I wasn’t sure of the answer. I didn’t really see the harm in letting her see Lilly, but Sookie had made her thoughts clear on the subject and while I still felt bad for snapping at her, I was still a little pissed over her attitude. She’d said she didn’t trust my mother and while I couldn’t really fault her for it, I didn’t know what she was so worried about. It wasn’t like my mother was going to try and steal Lilly out of the NICU – she hadn’t even wanted to keep me when I was a baby – so I couldn’t fathom what Sookie thought could go wrong. But I also didn’t want to have what would likely be a huge fight over it by giving my permission without talking to her about it first, so I shook my head no, saying, “Not without Sookie or me.”
Considering how fast she left after learning my dad was there, I didn’t think she’d be showing up again that day anyway – or maybe ever again. If she disappeared altogether it would certainly take care of the issue and I hated the small part of me that still wanted her around – wanted her acceptance, but I couldn’t deny that it was still there.
Why couldn’t I just grow the fuck up already and accept I would never have a real mother?
I shook off my melancholy by feeling grateful I at least still had Sookie, but walking into the NICU and seeing my father standing there with the perma-grin on his face staring down at Lilly, I felt a fresh wave of guilt spread through me because I realized I still had him too. No matter how shitty he’d been over the years at least he was fucking there. He could’ve ditched me – given me up for adoption – left me in a fucking box next to a dumpster, but he didn’t. He did the best that he could at the time, considering his own demons he was fighting, and knowing my mother was the cause of them only made me feel worse – like I was somehow betraying him for wanting her around.
“Where’s Sook?” he asked as soon as I walked up.
Like a pussy, I couldn’t meet his eyes, so I stared down at Lilly and reached in, lifting her blindfold and couldn’t help smiling seeing two little eyes fluttering open back at me, saying, “Downstairs getting something to eat with Pam.”
My baby girl looked nothing like that Willy Wonka mother fucker.
“Pam eats?” he asked with a chuckle. “I would’ve sworn she just survived on the blood she sucked out of her victims.”
“You have a point,” I smiled. “And she sparkles out in the sunlight, but I think that’s just from her designer bullshit.”
“Since you’re in here, I take it you’ve already eaten something today then?” he asked with more than a hint of concern. Both Sookie and I had been bad about taking care of ourselves when Lilly was first born because neither one of us wanted to leave her side, afraid of what might happen while we were gone, but it only served to reinforce my guilt because it just proved that he cared about me.
I felt like a shitty son.
I could only nod – I’d picked at a muffin while I’d had coffee with my mother, but my tongue got tied when he asked, “Is that what you were doing downstairs when I came in? Sookie said you were in the gift shop.”
Should I tell him? Would he be upset? Mad? Would he storm out and hit the nearest bar to drown his sorrows?
Would it be my fault if he did?
I was too chicken-shit to find out the answers just now, so I nodded again and deflected by saying, “I was looking to see if they sold condoms at the gift shop since Sookie has her follow-up appointment later on.” I never did get to see if they carried them and I tried to make a mental note so I wouldn’t forget later on.
He slapped my arm, scolding, “TMI, Eric.”
Considering my thoughts over Pam’s oversharing from just a few minutes earlier, I could see we were more alike than I knew and at the moment, that fact made me feel better.
“Serves you right,” I chuckled. “How many times was I subjected to Scary Spice?”
He huffed knowing he couldn’t deny it and said, “Well, I guess you got me there, but I consider us even now, so I don’t want to know what you’re doing to my favorite daughter-in-law behind closed doors.”
How about what I’m going to do to her up against the door later on?
“Well,” I countered, while gently putting Lilly’s blindfold back in place, “considering how much you’re in love with the end result of what happens thanks to what I do to her behind closed doors, I’d think you be happy about it.”
I didn’t have to look at him to hear the smile in his voice as he admitted, “True.”
We spent the next hour with me telling him about the ridiculous sunglasses Pam had bought which led to much eye rolling from both of us over the amount of clothes she’d already gotten Lilly. She’d have to wear three outfits a day for a year in order to get through them all, but Sookie and I had already given up on telling her to stop since it only seemed to spur her on.
Sookie and Pam showed up a little while later with Pam greeting my father by haughtily saying, “Dick,” and then furrowed her eyebrows in confusion when he used her same tone and responded, “Vampire,” but I just laughed. It was nice to be able to just laugh again and only made me realize that I hadn’t even smiled when I’d been in my mother’s presence earlier.
I wasn’t sure if I should read into that or not.
Sookie and I left the two of them there before walking to the maternity side of the wing where she’d be meeting up with her doctor for her appointment. Knowing the nightmare we dealt with on a daily basis with the paparazzi, he’d been nice enough to work in her appointment when he was at the hospital doing his rounds. We both had bittersweet smiles seeing the full term babies, but Lilly was getting there so neither one of us were truly upset and we didn’t speak at all about my mother except for when I shook my head ‘no’ when she asked if I’d said anything about her to my father yet.
My feelings about her visit, along with the fight Sookie and I had because of it, were all jumbled in my head. I felt guilty and angry over the fight. I felt guilty and angry over my mother just showing up out of the blue. I felt guilty for feeling like I was cheating on my father which just made me angry because I shouldn’t have to choose between the two of them.
For fuck’s sake…I felt like a ten year old sometimes.
At least I did until Sookie got the all-clear from her doctor. Hearing him say, “You can resume having intercourse whenever you’re ready,” had me turning right back into the same age that was on my driver’s license and if I’d had a condom in my pocket I very well might have shoved him out of the room and put those stirrups attached to the table to good use.
Sookie was already lubed up. Why waste it?
For the rest of the afternoon and evening I was completely enthralled by Naked Sookie. Real life Sookie had been at my side – fully clothed – the entire time, having no clue I was mentally tearing her clothes from her body any time she looked up and smiled at me. At least she wasn’t mad at me anymore, so the night was definitely looking up from this morning, but I also knew she was going to want to talk as soon as we got back to the hotel and were alone. I didn’t want to talk.
I wanted to fuck. A lot.
‘Fuck first – talk later’, was the motto I wanted to live by at the moment and it only increased when we all climbed into the car to return to the hotel that night, so as soon as we walked into our room I grabbed her and pushed her up against the door with my body grinding against hers hoping she’d choose to live by my new motto too. She giggled but pushed me away saying I needed to take Bubba out to do his business while she went to wash her ‘KY crotch’ away. Normally he would’ve spent the morning with Mustapha and then the afternoon with Rasul, so he would’ve been taken care of by them. But since Mustapha had been called to the hospital early and Rasul had stayed the whole day – I think they were both wary of leaving us alone sensing things would go bad if my mother returned – Bubba had been all alone.
His whining and pushing against my legs made me give in quicker than I would have otherwise and it wasn’t long before I was back in our room, taking my clothes off as soon as the door swung shut behind me. Sookie was still in the shower when I crept into the bathroom and I smiled seeing Naked Sookie and Real Life Sookie had finally merged into one being. She’d been rinsing the shampoo out of her hair – her cherry scented shampoo that only made my dick ache more – so she didn’t see me step into the shower with her. I announced my presence by fondling my long lost BFF’s.
I missed them.
“Eric!” she half-yelled in a startle.
“It has been too long,” I said as my fingertips ran over her already tightened nipples. “You used to moan my name,” and in an effort to get her to do just that, I leaned forward letting my tongue take over for my left hand, so it could go to work further down her body.
Her hips bucked as I barely parted her folds with her now moaning out my name and I chuckled against her skin saying, “That’s better,” as I licked my way across her chest before my other BFF could get jealous.
“D…don’t…you…want to talk?” she sputtered since my finger was circling her clit.
“Only if you use words like: Oh God, harder, and faster. Feel free to adlib anything else that has to do with how big I am,” I smirked against her chest.
“You mean like your ego,” she panted, yanking my head up by my hair and shoving her tongue into my mouth.
My earlier blow job was long forgotten now that I had her slippery naked body pressed against mine. I wanted her. I wanted to lose myself in her because she was my home. She was where I loved and could be loved in return, whether we took it slow and sensual or fast and frantic.
Sookie was where I belonged.
Shower sex definitely had its merits, but I’d been sleeping next to her in that bed for weeks now fantasizing every night about having her there, so I turned the water off without breaking our kiss and wrapped a towel around her as best as I could before carrying her into the bedroom. She giggled all the way there while I admitted, “This is a lot easier without the Bean in between us.”
My steps faltered hoping my spontaneous statement wouldn’t make her upset, but she agreed, “I’ll say, but she has a name now. You should know – you named her.”
I tossed her onto the bed, enjoying the way she bounced, and started kissing my way up her legs saying, “Now she’s Lilly, but the baby that was in there,” I tapped her belly, “will always be the Bean.” I knew they were one and the same, but to me they were separate beings. One showed their love by punching and kicking me at night while the other just wrapped herself around my little finger as soon as we’d met and was where she’d likely stay for the rest of my life.
But considering everything I was about to do to her mother, I didn’t want to think about that right then, so I nipped at Sookie’s thighs hoping to distract her with my teeth before moving to hover right in between her legs. Instead of having her hands in my hair like she usually had in the past, both of them were resting firmly – oddly – on her lower abdomen.
Right on top of where her scar was.
I’d already seen it – multiple times, but never as close as I was now and I figured she was self-conscious about it. I didn’t want her to be though, so I gently pulled her hands away and she automatically tensed up, but didn’t say anything – allowing me to kiss my way across the length of it and say, “All of you is beautiful. You don’t have to hide anything from me.”
I could tell she wanted to contradict me – we really were like prized fighters at times – and since my tongue wasn’t convincing her with my words, I figured I could use it to at least distract her from her perceived flaws in other ways. One lick through her folds was all it took for her hands to find my hair and by sucking her clit in between my lips, I got her to say each of the words I’d suggested she use when she’d wanted to ‘talk’ a few minutes earlier.
And thrusting two fingers inside of her got her to yell my name out loud.
I was quite proud of myself knowing I’d rocked her world until I heard her say, “Ugh.”
“Ugh?” I asked. ‘Ugh’ wasn’t something she’d ever said and meant it in a good way, but when I looked up I saw her trying to cover herself with the towel and it made me ask, “What are you doing?”
“I’m doing my impression of a dairy cow,” she huffed while blushing hard. “I guess more than just my lady bits leak when you throw a party down there.”
“Really?” I asked and pulled the towel away, fascinated by the way her body had changed even though it hadn’t really changed all that much. Her scar – which in my eyes was a badge of courage she should be proud of – and boobs I now had to share with a breast pump until Lilly could manage on her own.
“You’re not grossed out,” she asked, still trying to cover herself up, but I pulled her hands away, admitting truthfully, “Not in the least.”
But I was curious.
The water from the shower was all I could taste earlier and before she could realize my intent, I leaned forward and licked away the path of milk left behind on her skin. She gasped above me, but I didn’t know if it was because my mouth had circled her nipple again, licking away whatever came out without drawing it out, or if she was grossed out by what I was doing. When I finally pulled away, I said, “It’s sweet.” Looking into her eyes, I smiled asking, “Does it make me pervert for liking it?”
She stared at me for a long second before she broke out into a fit of giggles, saying, “That falls way down on the list of things that makes you a pervert.”
“Hey,” I mock pouted before openly leering at her, “I resemble that remark.” My hands went straight to her ribs, planning on tickling her until she begged me to stop, but my woman knew me well because she grabbed onto my dick and started stroking me at the same time.
I would not be begging her to stop.
My mouth found hers when she nibbled on my lower lip, asking, “Did you get condoms?”
“Ffuu..uuu..uccckkk…” I cried.
A show of tears was a very real possibility.
“Yes Eric,” she said. “Condoms…for fucking, but I take it from your whine that’s a ‘no’?”
“And you mock me?” I nearly sobbed against her shoulder. “I thought you loved me.”
Her arms and legs wrapped around me tightly – doing nothing for my predicament – as she said, “I mock you because I love you.” I huffed against her neck and tried to just enjoy feeling her nakedness pressed against my nakedness, but she was pushing my self-control when she licked her way up my neck to trace the outer rim of my ear with her tongue. Just as I was contemplating how effective the pullout method might be, she whispered, “And because I love you I have a box of condoms in my purse.”
“Really?” I whispered back, afraid she was joking. If she was joking there was a very good chance Lilly would have a sibling in another nine months.
“Really,” she purred back.
“Fuck I love you!” I exclaimed as I sprang out of the bed.
“Love Pam,” she laughed. “I made her go out to get them. I asked her over lunch how she ever dealt with Pregosaurus Me and wasn’t she glad that was over. When she agreed I told her it was going to happen all over again if she didn’t go and get us a blond giant baby maker barrier. She shuddered arguing that she didn’t want people to think she was heterosexual, so I told her she could either pretend she was making inappropriate balloon animals or go and get me a pregnancy test in three weeks.”
I had a condom on in less than thirty seconds, even though the contents of her purse were now scattered on the floor, and I jumped back onto the bed, asking, “Did you say something about Pam?”
All that had been going through my head was ‘condom sex fucking condom sex fucking‘ so I missed everything she’d said. She smiled through her eye roll, but they stayed in the back of her head when I started to slowly push inside of her. I’d forgotten how tight she was. How her pulse would beat against my own. I’d forgotten all about what it was like to actually wear a condom since we hadn’t needed to for – well – as long as I could remember, but it was a small price to pay to be with her that way again.
I bottomed out and held still just enjoying being physically connected to her again before taking her lips in a soft kiss and saying, “I love you.”
No matter what, that would always remain true. At the end of the day, as long as I had Sookie by my side then everything else was just details. My mother, my father, work…we’d sort it out one way or another. Even if we fought again, I knew we would eventually work it out because the only deal breaker for me would be if it would cost me her.
“I love you too,” she said before adopting a wicked smile and pulling my head down to lightly bite my ear, adding, “Now fuck me like a champ.”
I grinned back and pulled almost all the way out before thrusting back in, grunting out each syllable with every thrust of my hips, “Ding…Ding…Round…One.”
We decided to call it a tie and declared the need for a rematch just as the sun broke over the horizon.