Chapter Twenty-Seven – He’s Sexy and I Know It


Of course he was fucking Batman!

My mind quickly thought back, analyzing our every interaction with my new perspective, and I ended up seeing it all in a whole new light. The knowing look in his eyes when he’d joked about my part-time superhero gig during my interview. The seemingly endless fleet of Batmobiles he had at his disposal. The loner lifestyle he led. The weight of the world he seemed to carry on his shoulders that you only knew was there when you looked into his eyes. The quiet and unassuming way he’d cared for me. The generosity he’d shown in the wake of finding Tara counteracting the aura of mystique and danger he exuded when we’d toured his casino. Even the matchy-matchy head to toe leather outfits he’d insisted we wear on my first night working for him. It all should’ve tipped me off. But it didn’t. I hadn’t known any better at the time.

And it made me wonder if he had a head to toe spandex outfit tucked away in the Nordstrom’s he called a closet.

I wouldn’t be surprised since I already knew he could fly.

But I should’ve known better than to think for a minute too long on how well he’d filled in those leather pants when Betty was already rattling the bars of her Bat Cage.

‘Batman you say?’


Great. Now Batty was making 1960’s comic sound effects.

‘I’m not Batty or Robin. Just call me Pussywoman,’ she purred in her best Lee Meriwether voice, while humping against the bars of her cage.

Maybe Callaghan really did kill me and I was stuck in some sort of Austin Powers/Debbie Does Dallas crossover purgatory?

‘No…Betty does Batman!’


I ignored the cat in heat in my underwear and focused back on what we’d stumbled across. Not only was the whole ironic and moronic bat/vampire misconception at play, but so was the fact the FBI had sent in their super stupid secret spy into his midst only so he could turn out to be a superhero instead of a serial killer.

I couldn’t help but laugh.

Only so I wouldn’t cry.

So many things had worked against us. Secrets were at the top of that list, but at the time those secrets were necessary. Now though, I felt like an idiot. And seeing him now looking back at me like I was an idiot made me calm down enough to explain, “Don’t you see Eric? Instead of being the bad guy you’re actually the hero.”

And it didn’t hurt that Eric Northman decked out in all black put Bruce Wayne to shame.

“You believe I am in some sort of position wherein the Louisiana vampire population looks to me for protection, but in addition to that I am some sort of enforcer? Policing their actions and doling out punishment where I see fit?”

Even without his questions, his expression gave it all away.

He found my logic questionable.

If he could hear Betty he’d find my sanity questionable as well.

“Yes,” I answered immediately. “Why else would you have listed their strengths and weaknesses? Why would you have gone to the trouble to link the murder of Patricia Ansley to those three vampires? Who, coincidentally, all died on the same night shortly after you made the connection.” Turning back around to face the screen, I pointed out, “Here you have the dates, times, and locations of the three vampires on the night she went missing. You tracked them back to this address, which coincidentally is listed as their home address, before they ended up at the exact spot where her body was found. Everything in this file is dated and time stamped. I doubt it’s a red herring because you’d had nothing to gain by doing it. You had no reason to believe anyone but you would ever see this because you didn’t know you were the FBI’s number one suspect.” When all he did was stare back at me, I added to my case by saying, “You’re a busy guy Eric. You might be immortal, but you have a lot of businesses to oversee. Meetings to attend and prominent people to schmooze and yet you took the time to do all of this. You must have done it for a reason.”

Saying it all out loud made me realize what an invaluable tool he would’ve been to the FBI in solving the murders since he found the actual murderers.

You know…that is if they knew about vampires being real.

I closed those links and touched on another X, finding yet another vampire and their human victim. Tomas Medina had been the eighth body found, but he was actually the third victim to go missing in the timeline. It explained why there had been no rhyme or reason to the type of person who was killed. Serial killers always had a pattern. They chose a type of victim and stuck with it. But that hadn’t been the case with ‘The Vampire’. White collar. Blue collar. Housewives. Students and drifters. Man or woman. Every race under the sun. They were all represented. No one type was spared. The only thing tying them together that we’d all been too blinded to see was now glaring back at me.

They were all human.

Granted, it was an easy thing to dismiss and had the existence of vampires been known it all would’ve made more sense. Together we went through them all one by one. All nineteen victims of ‘The Vampire’ were listed and each and every vampire found guilty of their murders had been executed. The only difference between the FBI’s files and Eric’s was that his went back over twenty years and listed the names of many more victims. Victims whose families were out there and still had no closure over their missing loved ones. And families who had buried their kin believing they’d been killed in accidents.

It was probably kinder for them to continue believing the lie.

But Eric had known better. He was a part of that world. Immersed in it in the way only another vampire could be, so he had known the signs to look for. The clues humans wouldn’t see to know the truth of who – or rather what – their killer was.

It only solidified my stance that not only was Eric Northman smart, business savvy, and sexier than should be legal.

He was judge, jury, and executioner of the Louisiana vampire population.

A real life Avenger.

While I marveled over his Marvel comic book physical similarities to Thor, he brought me back to the present by asking, “This thought pleases you?”

If ‘pleases’ equaled ‘purring gutterwear’, then yes.

What girl wouldn’t want to be the creamy filling of an Eric and Thor Sookie cookie sandwich?

“Yes,” I replied, omitting my Porneo Oreo thoughts. “You’ve been quietly seeking justice for people killed by your kind. Humans you’ve likely never even met. No matter what your reasons were for doing so, you put yourself in harm’s way to do a service to the rest of us. All the while knowing you’d get no rewards or accolades for your actions. In a way you remind me of a soldier. A lone sniper who takes down the bad guy. Doing a mostly thankless, faceless, and nameless job simply because it has to be done in order to keep everyone else safe. That Eric makes you a hero.”

I couldn’t help but smile when his shoulders straightened with pride. It was obvious he’d felt out of sorts not knowing who he was. Me laughing at his piss poor driving skills probably hadn’t helped his ego any, but hearing me tell him I thought him to be a hero brought back a bit of his old swagger. Some of the vulnerability he’d been wearing disappeared when he smiled back at me and said, “This thought pleases me as well.”

“It should,” I agreed before turning back to face the screen. “And thinking of soldiers makes me wonder if some of these other vampires are your soldiers. You describe some of them as loyal and rated their fighting skills like it’s the Vampire Zagat Guide to the best battles.” I reached out and touched a few of the marks around New Orleans before I found the right one and said, “This guy, Clancy. He works for you at the casino. I remember him from one of the bars because he was one of the ones whose thoughts I couldn’t hear. Since he works for you and it says here he’s one of the loyal ones, maybe I can try talking to him about what happened to you.”

Even as the words left my lips I felt a tightening in the pit of my stomach. An apprehension Eric must have felt coming from me as well because he said, “You are not comfortable with this strategy.”

“Not really,” I admitted truthfully. “I’m worried about exposing you to others of your kind in the shape you’re in. I’ve seen you fight another vampire and I know how strong you are, but what if they’re stronger? You couldn’t remember how to drive, so what if you can’t remember how to fight them? You don’t have your memories to know if you can fully trust them and I can’t hear them to know if they’re a danger to you. But I don’t know enough about your world to know what to do otherwise. What if I can’t hear witches either? What if it was a vampire who hired a witch to do this to you? Even if I can hear a witch’s thoughts, they’d have no reason to hang around your casino once the job was done. There are too many variables for me to be confident about any of it, but we have to trust somebody.”

He thought over my explanation for a moment before looking back at me with a smile and saying, “You worry for me.”


And while wearing my ‘duh’ face, I answered, “Of course I’m worried about you. Do you think I’d be here if I wasn’t?”

“Yes,” he replied confidently and pulled me back against his chest. His hands rubbed up and down my arms trying to soothe my frayed nerves, teasing, “You are eager to get me naked and do wicked things to my body.”


“You and your sniper rifle need to stand down soldier,” I chuckled, while ignoring the Star Spangled Banner playing out in my panties. “You haven’t even been to boot camp yet. I’ll thank you for your service after the war.”

“Well then we should get to work,” he growled. “I am eager to enjoy the spoils our victory will bring.”

I was still pressed up against him, so I knew among other things of his, at least his confidence was growing by leaps and bounds too.

And I also knew if we could figure out who had done this to him, all he would have to do was growl at them and they’d likely drop to the ground.

Just like my panties nearly did.

Letting go of me, he walked over to where some swords were hanging on the wall and selected one. He’d fought bare handed the one and only time I’d seen him action, but now I watched while he seemed to be testing himself to see if it felt familiar. Turning it to and fro with his wrist and gauging the weight of the weapon in his hand. I didn’t have to ask him what he thought because I already knew the answer when he began moving around the room faster than my eyes could see. At least his muscle memory had remained intact.

‘And I bet his other muscle remembers how to fuck us like a champ too!’

I blamed his sword. Both of them for why neither one of us could think straight.

He’s sexy and I know it.

It was no use trying to focus on his movements since they were nothing but a blur, so I waited for him to stop and smiled at his windblown hair, asking, “How did it feel?”

I expected him to say something like ‘good’ or ‘invigorating’.

I should’ve known better.

Because I had barely asked the question when I was suddenly the creamy filling of an Eric and drywall Sookie cookie sandwich, with him trying to stick his spoon into my cup of milk.

My gasp of surprise was all he needed to invade my mouth while Betty frantically tried to wave my Fruit of the Looms in surrender. Instead of fighting off either one of them, I attempted to negotiate a peace treaty by just surrendering to his kiss. His tongue mapped out every inch of my own while his hands worked further south, but after witnessing him fight off invisible foes, my Stackhouse DNA had risen up along with my libido and refused to back down in any kind of fight.

Instead of being part fairies, Jason and I could’ve been part Barney dinosaurs since we’d spent the majority of our childhood covered in purple bruises we’d given one another.

Wanting to win control of the kiss, my own hands slipped up his back underneath his t-shirt with my fingernails raking back down over his corded muscles. And when his fangs snapped down I wasted no time in raking my tongue over them too.

So maybe this was how the vampire/fairy war had started?

If it was, I could see why it lasted hundreds of years. I could spend an eternity attached to him and it wouldn’t be long enough. When my neck had had enough of straining up to meet his mouth, my hands clamped down onto his shoulders and I pulled myself up so my legs could wrap around his waist. Our torsos were unevenly matched and Betty wailed in protest since our new position had taken with it any kind of friction we’d both been enjoying. Eric rectified that by vamping us to his bed and as soon as my back hit the mattress and my legs fell open freely, he slid his hand in between us and down into the front of my pants. While Betty praised every deity she could think of, a part of my mind was screaming that this was in no way taking things slow.

A very small part of my mind, mind you.

So I rationed it away by making a deal with myself that I would ration out how far we could go. I also rationed away any lingering guilt by telling myself I could consider it training.

A boot camp for knockin’ boots, if you will.

I hadn’t been lying when I’d admitted it was only a matter of time before I couldn’t take it any longer and succumbed to his advances. The fact his fingers had easily breached my nonexistent defenses was evidence of that. I still had to come to grips with giving in to our desires fully, but having seen the monster hiding behind his tiny red underwear, I knew my hesitation wasn’t the only thing I needed to come to grips with.

He was huge.


My limited sexual past consisted of two previous lovers. Two. And I had gotten more out Eric’s feeding earlier than either one of them were able to do for me, which was why my experience was so limited. Keeping my shields up when someone touched me was hard enough. Keeping them up and letting myself go enough to actually get off at the same time was impossible. But I didn’t have that problem with Eric.

Instead he presented a different problem.

Neither one of my previous partners were packing the ballistic missile Eric’s submarine wanted to load into my already flooded tube. The thought both frightened and excited me, but it was something I needed to wrap my head around.

So I figured I’d start out slowly by using my hand and wrapping it around his warhead.

I reasoned had I been a normal girl and Eric had been a normal guy, it really wasn’t all that much farther than I would’ve gone on a regular date. The chemistry between us was explosive from the get go and had our fucked up situation not been so fucked up to begin with, this likely would’ve been something we had already done.

At least that was what I kept telling myself.

It was hard to focus when Eric’s circling fingertips were making my higher brain function circle down the drain and drip down my ass, but I was eager to return the favor and forced my fingers to unbutton his jeans. However my actions had unintended consequences when Eric’s entire body froze.

And I didn’t mean his already cooler body temperature.

“Lover?” he groaned when his rocket fell out into my awaiting hand.

‘If you pump it a few times I bet we can make it a projectile rocket!’

For once Betty and I were on the same page, so I wrapped my hand around his weapon and tested my powers to make it go nuclear by stroking his length firmly while breathing out, “Eric?”

I smirked watching his eyes roll into the back of his head while a guttural moan escaped his lips as his hips thrust into my hand. It made me feel powerful knowing I could elicit such a strong reaction in him and it only turned me on more. I wanted to always remember it. I knew better now than to take it for granted that I would, but while I was storing it away suddenly every other memory of him resurfaced. Of both the old Eric and the new. Everything he’d said and done to show me I meant something to him before we’d parted ways. Everything he’d said and done to show me how much I meant to him now. While I was worried about what would happen if and when he finally did remember everything, right now I just wanted to show him how much he meant to me.

Because it could be a while before I wasn’t too chicken shit to actually say the words out loud.

Since Eric was too busy inspecting the back of his skull, he couldn’t see me smile when I maneuvered him onto his back. Apparently he was just as bendy in my hands now as he was when he was dead for the day, but his eyes righted themselves again when I climbed on top of him and straddled his knees.

“If this is your definition of slow, I approve,” he grunted.

“Don’t go counting your chickens yet, vampire,” I playfully admonished. “You got to practice with your sword. Now it’s my turn to practice with mine.”

He probably hadn’t understood my chicken reference, but watching me lean down to lick the V line of his hips before hovering over my borrowed sword was enough incentive for him to not ask for an explanation.

That didn’t mean he was quiet though.

He hissed as soon as my lips made contact. There was no way I’d be able to take all of him into my mouth, but I gave it the old college try, using my hand on what wouldn’t fit. I had zero experience giving a blow job, but I’d seen enough in the minds of others to know what to do. And the fact Eric couldn’t remember anything gave me the confidence to not worry about trying to match the skill level of his previous partners.

For right now at least, I would be the best he’d ever had.

I couldn’t read his mind, but I could read his reactions for cues as to what worked and what didn’t. He liked it when I licked the vein along the underside of his shaft. He liked it even more when I swirled my tongue over his head and traced along the slit at the top. Sucking him like I was trying to get a bowling ball through a straw got high marks. Twisting my hand with every upstroke had his fists twisting the sheets balled up in his palms in return.

But humming when he was as far down my throat as was part-humanly possible?

That made Eric Northman, vampire badass, my bitch.

His menacing snarl only made my thighs rub together more making me think I had descended from Jiminy Cricket instead of fairies. And when Betty belted out her improvised version of, ‘When you wish upon a staaarrrr…cock,’ I figured it would only take until the start of second verse for his wishing stars to start shooting at my tonsils.

But I figured wrong.

Betty was barely done with ‘Makes no difference who you aaarrreee,’ when I also figured out a way to keep him in my mouth when he sat up and grabbed my hips, swinging me around and ripping my jeans and panties off at the same time. I didn’t mind since they were ruined anyway, but now it was my turn to freeze because when all was said and done, he and Betty were face to face.

It was something else I had zero experience in, but I suspected it wouldn’t be by default when he turned out to be the best I’d ever had. I might have never had the opportunity to go to Disney World, but I had a feeling what I was about to experience would outdo any amusement park ride. And as soon as he made the first swipe of his FASTPASS through my no-lines-no-waiting entrance, my eyes crossed with an inhuman sound leaving my throat. Never had anything ever felt so good and it made no difference my mouth was too full to say anything coherent when Betty said all that needed to be said for the both of us.

‘Wishes DO cum true!’

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23 comments on “Chapter Twenty-Seven – He’s Sexy and I Know It

  1. princessbrigant says:

    Arrgh! Can’t..Stop..There! The Eric and Thor cookie comment had me pause reading for a good couple of minutes of fantasising. Eric’s sword and Thor’s hammer…it’s enough to get Betty whimpering.

  2. theladykt says:

    All these analogies are making me laugh so much I gotta go pee. Her reasoning with the vamp stuff is sound though.

  3. You have the best euphemisms when it comes to sex! It helps too when I read this at work, it would just be my luck for my boss to read the smuttiest part of the story.

  4. OposKneg says:

    All this war talk…time to get Generation Kill out again….

  5. Loftin says: are freaking hilarious. That was awesome! HAppy Easter indeed!!

  6. bbrock525 says:

    I can’t believe you left us hanging in the middle of the sword fight. You wench. God that’s like a guy getting off and leaving you unsatisfied.

  7. tj6james6 says:

    ARGGGGG! Puleezzze! More!

    You can NOT leave us hanging there. *sigh*

    giggles, orgasms, plot, what more could a girl want?

    An update of course 😀

  8. adriana2230 says:

    Betty is not the only one thanking every deity there is for this little slice of lemons. FINALLY!! If Sookie decides to run out of the room after this…the boom you hear will be my head hitting the desk in frustration. 🙂

  9. momzombie says:

    Lemons for Easter!!!! And better for you than chocolate bunnies! I love the batman/vampire sheriff comparison. I look forward to more and thanks for writing.

  10. Annie says:

    shit woman! easter gift my ass! You left us hanging with blueballs!!!!

  11. luvvamps says:

    Happy freaking Easter to us! The Easter Bunny has been good to us! Thank you so much for this chapter, Even though you left us in the middle of the action. Hope you update soon and don’t leave us waiting to long for the “Big” finish. Hope the Easter Bunny was good to you too!

  12. kleannhouse says:

    OMG they are learning together….. enjoy your day, whats left of it Kristie

  13. murgatroid98 says:

    Dang. Interesting that some people don’t count this as having sex. Somehow I don’t think it will be very long before Betty takes over completely.

  14. valady1 says:

    So kind of you to give Betty a happy Easter, poor thing deserves it.This was total pleasure, and they still haven’t done the deed much better can it get?

  15. FBLayla11 says:

    I will never be able to look at Disney the same now, which is inconvenient since I live in FL 😉

    I can picture Jimminy Fuckit singing when you wish upon a star cock.

  16. meridiean says:

    Eric…Thor…sword…hammer…Eric…Thor… :'”D

  17. itsamia71 says:

    Oh my lord!!!!! And you did that and made me laugh!!!

  18. Lily Dragonsblood says:

    omg!!! x

  19. msbuffy says:


  20. hartvixen123 says:

    Finally! Hahaha. I think we’re all in agreement with Betty 😉

  21. lilydragonsblood says:

    phew! that was HOT!

  22. “Maybe Callaghan really did kill me and I was stuck in some sort of Austin Powers/Debbie Does Dallas crossover purgatory?”

    Bahahaha hahaha. Oh, freaking gold, right there!

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