Chapter 5 – The One with the Yoyo

SPOV

“Are you sure you won’t feel uncomfortable?” I asked for probably the hundredth time.

It had seemed like a good idea at the time, inviting Eric to tag along to the family barbecue. But he’d been shirtless at the time.

And pants-less.    

Suited up in only his birthday suit, it felt like it would be a sin for him to not party the day away.

Even though it felt more like a sin with every article of clothing I watched him put on after accepting my invitation.

I still didn’t know what we were. Or if we were even a ‘we’, but at the moment I was just living in the moment.

And the moment we shared in the shower was definitely one worth reliving.

Reaching across the console to lace his fingers through mine, his eyes flickered towards me before going back to watch the road racing underneath the car, while he smiled and said, “That depends. Are you going to throw me down into a woodpile and have your way with me again? Because if you do, that might be a little uncomfortable. Otherwise I think I’ll be fine.”

Actually…

No…no…

“Probably not,” I snickered truthfully.

Emphasis on ‘probably’.

“Sookie,” he smiled back at me. “I’ve met your family before. We get along great, so stop worrying.”

“But you met them before you slid your pistol into my holster,” I chuckled nervously. “Us showing up together is gonna raise a few eyebrows.”

And raise more than a few questions.

My family was full of busybodies who’d never met an inappropriate question they didn’t like. Even though he knew them all, I wasn’t sure Eric really knew what he was in for.

“They’ll have to get used to it eventually,” he smirked. “Better they get any objections out of the way now, while you’re still enthralled by my Lucky’s charms.”

“You’re such a pig,” I laughed.

Because it was true.

I was definitely enthralled by Lucky.

And I was a lucky, lucky girl.

“Yes,” he nodded, with a small smile. “I believe you’ve already given me a complete accounting of all five little piggies that I am.”

Also true.

However, he’d seen me at my worst and still seemed to be willing to hang around for more, so I would do as he said and just relax. But it was something that would take time for me to get used to. I’d never had the nerve to show that side of myself to Bill, much less had the nerve to bring him home to meet my family.

Stuffy McStarched Pants never would have joined me in my Munchies Mania or played along with my every whim.

And ironically, my family would have eaten him alive, like I’d brought him there in a Taco Bell bag.

But then again, Bill never had anything worth stuffing into my pants to keep me enthralled enough to keep playing with him anyways.

Eric found the old Stackhouse homestead, without needing any directions from me, and parked in front of the main farmhouse that belonged to my grandparents. My parents lived in one of the smaller three bedroom ranch style houses that sat off to one side, with Aunt Lin living in the other, with the two houses bookending the farmhouse.

It was like the Manson family commune when I really thought about it.

But they were my family and I loved them, either regardless of or because of their quirks.

Eric must have known them well enough to know all of the family get-togethers were always held at the main house, without me having to say anything, so I hoped it was a good sign.

And I got an even better one when we got out of the car and Eric took my hand, while facing the main house and bellowing over the music that could be heard coming from somewhere around back, “MARCO!”

“POLO!” the group shouted back.

Smiling down at me, Eric leaned down and kissed the top of my head, asking, “Shall we?”

I could only nod, with my nerves getting the better of me. The last time I’d brought ‘a boy’ home, he’d gotten the piss scared out of him.

Literally.

Poor JB DuRone thought Daddy really was going to shoot him with his shotgun.

And remembering that day made me reach up with my free hand, which I used to pat down Eric’s chest on the off-chance Daddy still had an iffy trigger finger.

But not being telepathic, Eric had no idea I was searching for Kevlar and only chuckled, “If you’re feeling frisky, we should probably head back to the privacy of the car. The backseat will be a tight fit, but we can make it work.”

What was I looking for again?

Frisking his pecs, in addition to his words, was making me frisky.

But it was too late for any frisky business because we were rounding the corner of the house by then and came into view of everyone in the backyard.

With one of my hands still holding Eric’s and the other snaked up underneath the front of his shirt.

Eric just stood there with a wide grin on his face, while I flamed red seeing Gran’s x-ray vision eyes, traveling from my sin-filled brain to my groping sinner hand.

She was definitely telepathic.

So when no one said anything, Eric took the opportunity to break the silence by saying, “So…I finally met Sookie a couple of days ago. And as you can see, she’s kind of attached to me now.”

Well…I guessed the cat was out of the bag.

That he’d bagged my pussy.

But whatever else he was going to say was cutoff when I used my opportune positioning to give him a purple nurple he wouldn’t soon forget.

“See?” he laughed out in a painful groan and curled inward. “She’s even marking me as her territory.”

And seeing the eyes of everyone else trained on us, I just bit the bullet and shrugged, slapping his ass to mark that glorious piece of real estate as mine too and said, “What? He’s got a nightstick and he knows how to use it. I’ll cuff him to the bed if I have to and it’s not like any of you have any room to talk.”

Because really.

They didn’t.

My parents met at a Bon Jovi concert and missed the whole show, too busy fucking each other stupid in a dirty bathroom.

One they claimed with pride was clean when they went in and made dirty themselves.

My Aunt Linda hadn’t seen an unaltered sky since Ronald Reagan was in office and even my grandparents weren’t above reproach.

Gran had caught Pops’ eye thanks to her penchant for going braless.

It had nothing to do with the Women’s Movement going on at the time, but he said he’d liked the way they moved nonetheless.

Nobody seemed to know what to say, until Gran finally waved her hand in a shooing motion and said, “Yoyo.”

“Yoyo?” I asked, cringing on the inside and wondering if it was some sort of head bobbing blow job reference.

It wouldn’t have surprised me.   

I’d heard her once, telling Aunt Linda with a waggling brow, “If you’re going to do any job, do it well.”

“You know,” she nodded. “Yoyo.”

But really, I really didn’t know what in the hell she was talking about.

And putting on my dumb blond face, she explained with a knowing look, “You’re only young once.”

Eric snickered at my side and squeezed my hand, with neither one of us correcting her ‘YOLO’ misnomer. But his snickers stopped seeing Daddy head our way, with his ‘Nam face on.

Never mind the Vietnam War ended when he was ten years old.

But like Snickers’ slogan, it was satisfying to see Eric’s reaction.

“So you’re with my baby girl now?” he asked, coming to a stop in front of him and drilling him with his stare that was only made more comical because he had to strain his neck to look up at Eric.

I was admittedly curious as to what Eric’s answer would be. We barely knew each other, but at the same time, I knew him better than my own neighbors thanks to Jason being his best friend. So far, he’d only joked about me being enthralled by his charming dick (and I was) and that I was attached to him (which was also true, in both the literal and figurative sense of the word).

And while I hadn’t been looking for a boyfriend, I wasn’t necessarily opposed to having one.

Especially one who had a nightstick and knew how to use it.

So the ball was in his court as to who his balls belonged to now.

EPOV

Corbett and I had always gotten along well. His personality was very much like Jason’s and I’d always viewed him as just another guy I liked hanging out with.

But staring at him now, he wasn’t just another guy.

He was the father of the girl who had my balls hanging around her neck, having turned me into an admittedly smitten kitten.

Not that I was complaining.

Not one bit.

But Sookie and I hadn’t discussed what we were doing – other than each other and which position we wanted the other to be in when we were fucking – so I could only take her at her word.

That she liked my nightstick and what I could do with it and that she would keep me cuffed to her bed if she had to.

She wouldn’t need to go Kathy Bates on me, but I wouldn’t be opposed to playing with her like that either.

So I figured now was the time to go big or go home and admitted, “I am. I plan on hogging her all to myself for a couple of years and then we’re going to pop out little towheaded grandkids every two years for the next decade for you to spoil.”

Eventually Corbett’s icy stare warmed, but he cracked a huge smile when Sookie shrieked at my side, “Five kids? You want five kids.

“They’re going to be tall,” I smiled back at her. “Might as well make the basketball team a ringer.”

“I’ll wring your neck if you think you’re knocking me up five times. You’re a sexy beast, but I’ll run away from where the wild things are.”

“You won’t get far,” I grinned and hugged her to my side. “I’ll put out an APB and you’ll be brought back to me already cuffed.”

And I gave her a look to let her know how easy it would be for me to knock her up again.

Bent over.

With her hands cuffed behind her back.

How long did we have to stay at the barbecue anyway?

Thankfully, before I could embarrass myself by giving her entire family the wrong impression – with the impression of my straining cock in my jeans – the patriarch of the family, Mitchell Stackhouse, came up to us.

It wasn’t as much his physical presence that killed my libido as it was what he was wearing.

“Pops?” Sookie asked, sounding just as skeeved as I felt. “Is that a beaver?”

“Huh?” he asked, looking confused and patting himself down.

Like people ordinarily carried beavers around in their pockets.

But it wasn’t until he patted his head that he found it and smiled, “There’s Bob. I been lookin’ for him e’erywhere.”

She giggled and cringed at the same time, saying, “If you’re looking for your reading glasses later on, he’s wearing them.”

“That’s right,” he nodded. “Bob was readin’ the TV Guide earlier,” he explained, with his movements making the taxidermy animal hat he was wearing nod right along with him.

No one was asking the question and the cop in me couldn’t let it go, so I probed, “Why are you wearing a beaver on your head?”

Mitchell had always been an odd duck, but this was weird even for him.

“He’s my spirit animal,” he answered solemnly.

“Come again?” I asked, not sure if I’d heard him correctly.

And then we all cringed hearing him boast, “I did that earlier, but I’m an old man now. So Adele ain’t gettin’ another deposit in her beaver until later on tonight. If she’s lucky.”

Having heard him, Adele called out, “Keep talking nonsense, Old Man, and I’ll be playing the pillow game with you later on instead of just the tip.”

“Can we go now?” Sookie whispered into my side, hiding her now sweltering face against my rib cage. “If we don’t make a run for it soon, they’re going to start talking about…”

“Although,” Adele interrupted from across the yard. “Just the tip gets the job done.”

Aannnnddd we’re off,” Sookie said, wiping any expression from her face, with the exception of the deer in the headlights look she had, and pulled me away from the crowd. Heading straight for one of the coolers on the deck, she pulled out a beer and handed me one before opening and chugging her own.

Finishing it in one long gulp, like any worthy frat boy, she reached for a second one and said, “I won’t blame you if you want to bail now, while you have the chance. It’s one thing to put up with them as just a friend of Jason’s, but you’re going to get gangbanged if you’re with me to boot and they won’t go easy on you. There’ll be no lube, so it’ll be a rough ride.”

She was serious.

In that she seriously thought the Stackhouses were enough to scare me away.

But I’d been sufficiently inoculated to their antics for the last five years, so there was no hesitation when I answered, “I’m not going anywhere.”

And then pulling her close, I leaned down and kissed her lips, adding, “Besides, I seem to get you plenty wet, so you can lube me up.”

With her lips so close to mine, I couldn’t help going back for seconds and soon enough, I was lost in her kiss, wondering briefly if you could become addicted to someone’s lips.

I couldn’t seem to get enough of hers.

Either set.

But with her hands firmly attached to the back of my head, it made it easy to spot the intruder, intruding on our coupledom, when another set of hands attached themselves to my ass.

It was probably the only way I would willingly come up for air and I turned around, expecting a shit ton of awkward to join us, thinking it was Michelle, Sookie’s mom.

It wouldn’t have been the first time she’d greeted me that way. 

So I didn’t know whether or not to feel relieved or violated, seeing it wasn’t her mom.

It was her shithead brother.

Without any warning, he hooked his arms around my neck and jumped up, wrapping his body around mine like a reverse piggyback and said, “He’s mine Sook. I saw him first.”

She just laughed and said, “Unless your spirit animal is a beaver too, I think I’ve got you beat. So you’ll just have to beat off to your memories of Eric. He’s mine now.”

Dropping down to his feet, he smirked and slapped my ass, saying, “Eh. If you want my sloppy seconds, you’re welcome to them.”

“Right back at ya, big brother,” she grinned. “I’m sure Bill would love to hear from you.”

Jason smiled and taunted, “I can’t say I’m surprised to find out he’s got a pussy – seein’ as how he is a pussy – but I didn’t know you swung that way.”

“Since I know for a fact what Eric’s packing, I could say the same about you,” she smiled. “And knowing how Eric is in bed, I assume it’s a safe bet to say, you’re the bottom. Right?”

“Pfft…” he waved her off and then looked at me to finish with, “In his dreams.”

“In yours,” I countered, laughing at how seriously he seemed to be taking their ridiculous conversation.

But I would never be a bottom in any universe.

Any. Universe.

Jason’s expression remained serious, while he looked back and forth between the two of us, before asking, “So what’s really goin’ on here? You two just messin’ around or are you two actually messin’ around?”

Thankfully, I’d learned to speak Jason like the natives over the last five years, so I knew what he meant.

Were we just fucking around with their family or were we seriously just fucking each other?

And since Sookie had yet to contradict my dictatorial declarations about our relationship, I shrugged and admitted, “What can I say? She had me at ‘Hello’.”

Her actual first words to me at the bar on the night that we’d met were, ‘Hello there Officer Sexy,’ but Jason didn’t need all of the gory details.

Although I still might tease him later on about being mesmerized by her pale pink eyes.

After all, what were friends for?

Friends who were fucking their best friend’s baby sister, anyway.

His head kept swinging back and forth between us, like the man on the flying trapeze yoyo trick, before finally coming to a stop.

And with his eyes firmly attached to mine, he warned, “Don’t make me regret this because yours will only last as long as it takes my bullet to lodge in your brain.”

He was dead serious – a look Jason didn’t wear often – but I’d known all along how protective he was of his family. His baby sister, in particular, so I didn’t take any offense.

Besides, I’d seen him out at the range.

He wasn’t that good of a marksman.

But Sookie must have decided she’d had enough of her brother’s posturing and I barked out a laugh, when she nut-tapped him and growled over his now prone body lying on the ground, “Like Gran and Pops aren’t enough to deal with, I swear to you Jason Mitchell Stackhouse, if you run Eric off by runnin’ your mouth, I’ll make you my sister before the night is through.”

Changing tactics, now that his tone of voice had changed from a tenor to a soprano, he chuckle moaned, “You sure you wanna stick with my sister now that you know she goes straight for the balls?”

And before I could reply, Sookie did it for me by saying, “I happen to like Eric’s balls, but I have no practical need for yours. What’dya say I go ahead and complete your transformation into Jasmine Stackhouse right now and then maybe later on we can braid each other’s hair and watch The Notebook together, sis.”

They were quite the pair.

My balls, that is.

But the Stackhouse siblings were entertaining too.

Jason just looked back at her and covered his own pair of balls, while he got up and hobbled away, looking like a track and field contender in the Special Olympics, before calling out over his shoulder, “I’m telling mom.”

“Good luck!” she yelled back. “She likes Eric’s balls too!”

“I haven’t had the pleasure, dear!” Michelle yelled back from somewhere in the yard. “But I’m sure they’re very nice. Now you two come and get something to eat so we can give out the awards! Your brother is winning one for hooking up with the most cougars!”

“I’m so proud he’s living up to the Stackhouse name,” Adele gushed.

And I was pretty sure it was Linda who yelled back, “Spoiler much?”

From the moment I’d first met them, I learned quickly that all of the Stackhouses were worth their weight in gold.

Or the potent and highly expensive Oracle strain of marijuana, depending on which Stackhouse we were talking about.

But the one at my side in particular – highly potent in her own right – far outweighed the rest to me now.

So really, Sookie had nothing to worry about.

I wasn’t going anywhere.

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31 comments on “Chapter 5 – The One with the Yoyo

  1. suzyq591suzy says:

    These guys are great 🙂

  2. Kittyinaz says:

    Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Lmfarotff! I soo needed that! Thanks!

  3. E. B. Rhome says:

    Thank you! I really needed this laugh. Great job as always.

  4. tbfmia says:

    Amazing like always! A good laugh to make the day, they are awesome together lol

  5. kleannhouse says:

    that was so awesome. i love how he fits right in and she was more nervous then him…. Jasmine Stackhouse, LOL…. KY

  6. ystarr6 says:

    It was hard debating which story to read first but this one is one of my new favorites and I wasn’t disappointed with my choice!

  7. lilloucfer says:

    Family dynamics is funnier than heck!! Great chapter!

  8. Jen says:

    Avid reader but shamefully first time commenter. Love how crazy these guys are and your writing is always hilarious. Thank you for gifting this to the public. I hope your baby’s sitters let him call you soon.

  9. switbo says:

    “But I would never be a bottom in any universe. Any. Universe.”

    Love the dig at TB!

    Laughing my ass off. These guys are a riot.

  10. fanficglo says:

    The Stackhouse family is f*ckawesome! I love how crazy you wrote them.

    Oh & I whole heartedly agree that Eric would NEVER be a bottom in ANY universe EVER!

  11. lostinspace33 says:

    Bwahahaha! Her family is hilarious!

  12. redjane12 says:

    The Stackhouses are quite the family to ‘marry into’… Love that Eric is pretty used to their antics…

  13. mom2goalies says:

    OMG laughing so much it’s hard to type! Great family dynamics…

  14. I so love this family!!!

  15. Loftin says:

    I nearly woke hubby up I was laughing so much. Effing love it…perfect end to my day. These Stackhouses might be my dream family. I’m still LMAO.

  16. missron80 says:

    If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it multiple times on almost every story: you are my favourite author. I love the snark. I love the humour. I love the one-liners. I love Alexander Skarsgard.

    Yeah I’m sobbing that Man I Want to Be has no update, and I often gaze at your WIP’s and giggle at the sheer number, but then I start one of your newbies and I am happy again because they are just so darn awesome!

    Thanks for giving us the gift of your writing. I am so happy you decided to share it with us. You are a thousand times better than the hack that gave us the ‘original’ Eric. Stupid cow had no idea what an amazing character she created he was. Moron. *grumbles more coz still not over the crappy TB ending*

  17. Mindy781 says:

    Shit that was so funny. Seriously made my night. So perfect and so funny, I couldn’t stop laughing.

  18. Jfozz says:

    Thanks for making my family’s dysfunction seem more normal. I love all your stories and these characters are hilarious. I’m not sure I get all the references though, being Australian.
    “just the tip”, is that a teenage boy promise? “pillow game”? Not sure about that one… Is someone biting the pillow? I’ll use my imagination. 😉

  19. Rayne says:

    I swear I about wet myself LOL

  20. Jackie69 says:

    Oh my god the Stackhouse family is so fucking awesome!!Thanks Kjwrit you made me forget about that clusterfuck of TB’s Finale …Looking for more updates Take care

  21. trubie35 says:

    Thank you for your awesome Eric and Sookie stories. You’re so talented.

  22. askarsgirl says:

    I loved your reference to Jason’s dream. Hell no! Eric is not a bottom, ever!
    Thank you for this. I’ve been waiting for something from you to cheer me up from the disaster that was the series finale. You never ever disappoint dear 😃 Hope your boy does well at school.

  23. murgatroid98 says:

    Oh my goodness, the Stackhouse family is a hoot. No wonder Sookie is such a character.

  24. hnoble73 says:

    Funny stuff. Not many fics make me LOL. I think my family are the anti-Stackhouses. Sex was never a topic, in any way shape or form. Even today, my father prefers to think i’m a Virgin, even though i’ve been married for almost 13yrs. 😀

    H.

  25. bytemebill says:

    Seriously, my family would never be that raucous and open about sex. Love it!!! I don’t think Eric will have any problem fitting in with that crazy bunch 🙂 He is definitely smitten…This update put a smile on my face and I really needed it after my week this week. Thank you!

  26. ashmo2000 says:

    That was the Stackhouse brand of funny! Sookie should have known Eric would have been a new member to the Stackhouse crazy 😉

  27. jules3677 says:

    Great interaction between the family & then with Eric. Dialogue is free flowing & amusing. Put a huge smile on my face. :0

  28. hartvixen123 says:

    The Stackhouse family is hilarious. I don’t know if I’ve ever read a story where Mitchell Stackhouse is still alive. His and Adele’s banter had me crying I was laughing so hard.

  29. eaaustin85 says:

    Bahaha bahaha!!!!! Lmfao!!!!! This is just great!!!! I ABSOLUTELY love it!!!!

  30. gwynwyvar says:

    Aww. The Stackhouse family are brilliant!
    Geez. So much fun!

    Seems like Sookie has no worries with Eric though. Things might be slightly different as Sookie’s BF, but he is inured to their crazy lol.

  31. lilydragonsblood says:

    ha ha ha!…so funny….looking forward to more…..

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