Chapter 90


Gran’s reaction to the baby news was no surprise to me, but what did surprise me was Jason’s. After his big Shitter reveal I figured he might one day get excited over the baby’s future ‘sheets’, but when he walked into the kitchen to see what the fuss was about and heard the news, he hugged me with tear filled eyes, whispering, “My baby sister is having a baby.” While we’d never thought twice about the lack of money we’d grown up with, it was the lack of family members we envied others for. Our cousin Hadley had already taken off when Aunt Linda finally lost her fight with cancer, so up until I’d married Eric, our family only numbered three and it was something we both felt cheated on. Despite our different personalities, I’d never once doubted that Jason loved me, but seeing him become so overwhelmed with emotion made me blubber like a baby all over again. The last time I’d seen Jason cry was when our parents died and even Eric got choked up witnessing it all, but thankfully they were able rein it in and turn it into a guy moment full of hearty handshakes with a half hug.

Jason and Eric didn’t get to spend much time together the last time we’d visited, not that Eric could remember it anyway, but I was still surprised when they ended up moving into the living room to bond over a 12-pack of beer while Gran ooh’d and ahh’d over the ultrasound pictures in the kitchen with me. Their conversation eventually turned into laughter that echoed throughout the house and by the time she turned in early for the night, since she would start cooking before the sun even came up, I followed the sound and found Jason and Eric were three sheets to the wind; literally. Jason had decided to spend the night and had made up the couch with spare linens and a pillow while Eric had wrapped himself in an admittedly hideous afghan Gran kept draped on the back of the couch.

From the looks of it Jason must’ve had more than a 12 pack in his truck because I’d cleaned up at least that many empty cans with plenty to spare, but they were having such a good time together, I didn’t mind and when I walked back into the room, Eric set his beer down and pulled me down onto his lap, wrapping his arms around me. The two of them were still snickering, making me ask, “What’s so funny?”

“Shitter: The Movie,” Jason exclaimed.

Even knowing I would regret my next question, I braced myself and asked, “What?”

“A movie!” he answered with my patented ‘Duh!’ face. “Since Eric here’s in ‘the business’ we been coming up with a way to make my idea into a movie.”

Eric didn’t drink much, if at all, lately and was clearly worse off than Jason since his eyes could barely focus on me as he smiled like a goofball, slurring out, “It would be a blockbuster!”

“With who?” I asked laughing. “Fecalpheliacs? Would you advertise on rolls of toilet paper? Hang signs on the inside of bathroom stalls?”

I was nearly blinded by the light bulb that appeared over both of their heads and they gave each other a knowing look and nodded before looking back at me with Eric declaring, “Genius! You’ll be in charge of marketing.”

“Oh no,” I laughed, trying unsuccessfully to remove myself from Eric’s iron grip. “I’ll have enough shit to deal with in about six months, but I wish you both well with ‘Jason and Eric’s Excrement Adventure.'”

Eric’s already slack jaw fell open and he hugged me tighter, saying, “Forget what I said about marketing. You’ll be on the writing team.” He looked around seemingly confused, which made me wonder if he even knew where we were, before asking, “Did we bring the laptop? We should be taking notes.”

If I were a meaner person I would’ve already pulled out my phone to record their drunken foray in fecal film making, but just shook my head no instead, even though the laptop was currently in the carryon bag sitting on the floor a few feet away. Watching the two of them bonding like long lost friends made my heart warm from the inside out and I laughed while they fleshed out ideas for a movie that would surely be flushed down the toilet by any respectable studio. They’d gotten as far as having the main characters traveling through time in a port-a-john before Eric’s bladder could no longer handle the amount of beer in it along with my weight bearing down on it before he had to let me go and search out the bathroom.

“Don’t go time traveling without me!” Jason called out as he stumbled down the hallway.

Eric turned looking completely affronted as he stated unequivocally, “Never!” making all three of us laugh again with me trying shush them before they woke up Gran.

As soon as we heard the bathroom door click shut Jason turned to me and smiled, saying, “I like him.”

I returned his smile and his sentiment, saying, “Me too.”

Eric had deposited me on the middle of the couch when he stood up, so I was sitting close enough to Jason for him to reach out and touch my belly. I’d expected him to make a jibe about my weight, so I was surprised when he said, “I really didn’t know what to expect when I heard you married a movie star. I figured he’d a been all stuck up like he was better than the rest of us, but he ain’t nuthin’ like that.”

Feeling a little affronted myself, I narrowed my eyes back at him, asking, “Did you think I would want to marry someone like that?” I conveniently left out the fact that I didn’t know Eric at all when we’d gotten married along with the fact that I’d made the same assumptions, remembering our fight over his five hundred dollar pots to piss in.

Jason rolled his eyes, saying, “Puh leez…you been googly eyed over him for as long as I can remember. For all I knew he could a been the biggest asshole on the planet and you were blinded by the fact that he was The Eric Northman.” I felt a head of steam building over Jason’s statement even though Eric had acted like the biggest asshole on the planet when we’d first woken up together in Vegas, but then, I’d been the biggest bitch on the planet that morning too. However, I wasn’t blinded by the fact he was The Eric Northman back then; I’d been blinded by his naked body; and our matching tattoos; and our TMZ wedding video.

Harlot; thy name is Sookie Northman nee Stackhouse.

Before I could get my panties fully twisted he added, “But I know you wouldn’t a stayed with him this long if he was like that. You’re too good a person to put up with that shit. Besides, I can see how much he loves ya.”

“He does,” I agreed, unable to hold back my smile.

Jason smiled back at me now that my panties had sufficiently untwisted and he patted his belly, saying, “It’s a good thing too. I’m too full to wanna have to go out back and dig a hole to bury his body in if he wasn’t good to ya.”

The look he gave me left me no doubt that he was only half-kidding, so I patted his leg and said, “Well he is good to me, so you don’t have to worry about that. He’s going to be a great father too.” Was there such a thing as too good of a father? If he continued to refuse to have sex with me for much longer, I would certainly start to think so, but there was no way I was going to discuss that with my big brother.

Jason’s hand returned to my belly and he smiled back at me like it was new news and said, “Hey! I’m going to be an uncle!”

“You are,” I agreed, chuckling at his epiphany. Jason wasn’t known for being quick on the uptake.

“I’m gonna buy him his first football and teach him how to throw.”

I chuckled again at his surety over the baby being a boy and asked, “What if it’s a girl?”

He gave me that same knowing look from just a moment ago and said, “Well then I’m gonna clean my rifle and make sure none a them yahoos get within a hundred feet a her.”

I rolled my eyes feeling bad for poor Rapunzel, saying, “You sound just like Eric. Besides, how are you going to do that from all the way out here when we’ll be back in L.A.?”

While Jason wasn’t as drunk as Eric, I’d clearly stumped him so I waited, with the theme song from Jeopardy playing in my head, when I was once again blinded by the light bulb above his head as he said, “You all could move back here!”

Shitter: The Movie was more likely to happen.

“How would we do that?” I asked. “We both have jobs in California.” Granted, mine was a temporary job and I had no idea if I’d be working after the baby was born. I knew Eric would be happy if I quit working right now, but that wasn’t going to happen either. I liked working with the kids. I liked that they seemed eager to soak up whatever knowledge I could give them and wanted to do well despite their less than ideal surroundings. We had our poor upbringing in common, even though they didn’t know that, and it made me want to do all that I could to help them succeed.

“You don’t need to work, but even if you did you could always get a job teaching around here and Eric can just fly back whenever he’s gotta movie to do,” Jason said like it all made sense to him, therefore I should certainly understand it all.

I was already shaking my head while thinking this was one of the longest conversations Jason and I had ever had that didn’t involve ‘nuh uh’s’ and ‘uh huh’s’. “Eric works at the TV studio four days a week and sometimes has to do interviews and whatnot. I don’t want a weekend husband and the baby isn’t going to have a weekend father. Eric wouldn’t want that either, so it’s not gonna happen.” Seeing Jason’s dejected look, I patted his leg again and added, “But you can come out to California to visit and we’ll come back to visit here as often as we can.” If we didn’t Gran would put a whoopin’ on both me and Eric.

I could tell Jason wasn’t too keen on that scenario, but he eventually shook it off and looked up at me with a grin, asking, “If I come out there to visit, do you think Eric’d be willing to introduce me to any a them fine ladies he used to date?”

I swallowed the ‘nuh uh’ that threatened to come out and laughed, smacking his chest, saying, “You’ll have to ask him.” There was no way I would want to be around for the introductions so I could see his former fuck buddies trying to get reacquainted, especially since he seemed hell bent on denying me lately, but talking about him made me realize that he had yet to come out of the bathroom and I looked down the hallway, saying, “I wonder if he fell in.”

Jason stood up and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket laughing, “If he did, it’ll be Shitter’s first sheet.”

I got up and trailed along behind Jason, not quite decided on whether or not I’d stop him from taking a picture if Eric had in fact fallen into the toilet, but got in front of him anyway and softly knocked on the bathroom door, not wanting to wake Gran, and asked, “Eric? Everything okay in there?”

We weren’t that married where I would feel comfortable just barging into the bathroom not knowing what he was doing in there, but when he didn’t answer I got worried enough to try turning the doorknob. I wasn’t surprised it wasn’t locked; it seemed to be an affliction of his just like the front door of our house, but I opened the door slowly to give him the chance to say something before we could catch him in a compromising position. I heard the snap of Jason’s cell phone camera next to my ear before my eyes registered the fact that Eric was sound asleep curled up on the bathroom floor. It was a comical sight considering the bathroom was small enough that he’d had to curl his body around the toilet in order to fit himself on the floor and would likely be grateful in the morning that Gran was such a neat freak because the floor shined.

At least the bits of it I could see that weren’t covered by Eric.

I would’ve been worried if I couldn’t hear him snoring over Jason’s poorly stifled chuckling and turned to face him, trying to keep from laughing too loudly as I asked, “Can you give me a hand getting him upstairs?” While I loved Eric’s ass, even when drunk, I knew it was too heavy for me to get up the stairs all by myself.

Jason snickered out, “Yeah.” I moved out of the way and watched Jason put his face down near Eric’s and smiling wide as he took another picture of the two of them before putting his phone away and pulling Eric up by his arms. He woke up enough to notice Jason and smiled at him, slurring out, “Jason! Buddy! We’re gonna be famous when that movie comes out.”

Jason maneuvered him to the stairs and chuckled, saying, “You’re already famous dillweed.”

He’d be infamous if Jason put those pictures on the internet, but I didn’t have time to think about that when Eric snorted and laughed again, saying, “Noooo…Peppercorn is my father’s girlfriend.”

Jason just shook his head laughing as he said, “Your ass is heavy for being such a lightweight. Drunk as a skunk.”

I was snickering while following along behind them, thankful that Jason didn’t question Eric’s statement knowing it would only lead to another round of drunken explanations and possibly another character in their Shitter movie. As soon as we got into my childhood bedroom Jason unceremoniously dumped Eric’s body onto the mattress and with a quick, “G’night!” he left the room.

Eric’s long ass legs were dangling off the side, so after I slipped into my nightgown I took the opportunity to remove his shoes and then got to work on getting his jeans off. I had them halfway down his hips when he growled and grabbed onto my hands, halting my progress and asking, “Sookie…you’re not trying to take advantage of me because I’m drunk, are you?”

That thought hadn’t even crossed my mind, but now that he’d mentioned it…

“Noooo…” I purred with my lips hovering over the Kraken making sure my warm breath blew over his quickly growing beast. Eric normally went commando so there was nothing stopping me from placing a wet kiss on his tip, besides his repeated warning that consisted of nothing more than my name, and I continued tugging at his jeans until they were finally off of him.

I was on my knees on the floor sitting up, right in between his legs when he looked down at me and tried to shake off his drunken stupor, saying, “You’re not being fair.”

My girly bits felt exactly the same way and by the way the Kraken was waving around in the air in front of me, I’d have to say he agreed. After our scare with the baby, I knew Eric was just concerned over something happening to it, so I couldn’t really be mad at him for denying me. We’d both been terrified when we thought we could lose the baby and my insides even melted a little more because he seemed so willing to deny his own urges just so the baby would be okay, but Dr. Ludwig had assured us that we could resume having sex whenever we felt ready. I just had to convince him that he was ready.

I put on my best innocent look and said, “I’m not doing anything. I’m just trying to get you comfortable so you can go to sleep.” What I didn’t say was that he always seemed the most comfortable after a round of mind blowing sex and it was probably more than a little obvious that was my end game.

Even with his drunken unfocused eyes, he still seemed to be able to see right through me, but I acted like I wasn’t trying to seduce him and slowly slid my body up along the naked lower half of his and if my lips, tongue, and breasts just happened to slide along the Kraken on my way up, well that was purely coincidental.


Unfocused or not, his eyes rolled back into his head as his hips involuntarily arched up into me and I quickly hid my face in his abs so he wouldn’t see the grin I was currently sporting. I kissed each muscle as I slowly slid his t-shirt up his body, making sure to give extra attention to his nipples which I knew he liked and couldn’t help laughing a little when he pulled his shirt up over his face and I heard a muffled, “So not fair,” above me.

I gave one a light nip with my teeth and without feeling an ounce of remorse, I apologized, “I’m sorry. I just can’t help myself.” I swirled my tongue all across his chest, admitting, “Whenever I see you, all I can think about is how much I love you; how much I love kissing you; how much I love tasting you.” I pressed my body down onto his, adding, “How much I love the way you fill me up.”

Wicked and Immoral must’ve hated the fact his face was covered with his shirt just as much as the rest of me did because they pulled it over his head and tossed it to the floor so I could bury my lips down next to his ear where I whispered, “And how much I love how hard you make me cum.”

Eric’s hand moved to grip my hair and he pulled my head back so he could look into my eyes. His own were filled with indecision and perhaps a bit of pain, probably from the U.S.S. Northman that was currently trying to dock in my hip. When he didn’t say anything right away, Wicked decided to pass the time by snaking down and taking hold of his rudder in an effort to steer him in the right direction and my brain only had the chance to hum the first bar of the Jeopardy theme song when he grunted and his lips crashed into mine.

I never acquired a taste for beer, but there was something about the way it tasted on Eric that made me dive in trying to lap up every little bit of it I could find. It had only been a few days since the last time we’d had sex, but it felt like an eternity with my body quickly heating up. Since we’d gotten back from the doctor’s office, Eric had kept our touching and kissing on the side of loving and gentle, but there was no trace of that to be found with the tenderness having been replaced with primal need. I felt the moisture in between my thighs as my body released a bit of cumfetti in celebration of its return when just like that, Eric’s hands disappeared from my body and he pulled a pillow over his head, saying, “We can’t.”

I sat up in disbelief and had a bit of déjà vu when I looked down at him remembering how he was Mr. Pillow Face before I knew he was actually The Eric Northman, but instead of reminiscing I decided to pull out the big guns and pulled off my nightgown.

Wonder Twin Powers: activate.

He didn’t move a muscle, so I tried to give him a little encouragement and whispered, “Eric?” I wasn’t sure if he could hear me through the pillow, so I tugged on it a little and said, “Sweetie? Look at me.”

It took a bit more tugging on my part and perhaps a bit of suffocation on his, until he finally allowed me to pull the pillow from his face, but he kept his eyes squeezed shut like he was afraid a monster was about to leap out at him. The girls were certainly growing into monster-like proportions, so I couldn’t really fault him and instead cupped his face gently, asking, “What’s wrong?”

Without opening his eyes, he accused, “You’re trying to seduce me!”

And according to my nether regional radar, it seems to be working.

“No I’m not,” I lied. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to add a little truth and said, “I just love you is all.”

“Sookie,” he sighed. “I love you too. That’s why…” Eric’s eyes opened mid-sentence and his words disappeared when he saw that the monsters he’d been afraid of were in fact real and currently staring down at him. Thank God he couldn’t seem to take his eyes off of them otherwise he might have seen the victorious look on my face.

Wicked and Immoral must be contagious because his hands seemed to move on their own as they slid up my sides before coming up to cup them with his thumbs doing wonderful things across my nipples.

Eric Northman wasn’t afraid of monsters.

My back automatically arched into them with my hips grinding down on his when his body went stiff again and not in a good way, as his hand dropped down to the mattress at his sides and he pleaded, “We can’t.”

We can! We could! We should!

“But why?” I whined.

I swear to God, if he made me beg for sex I was gonna be so mad at him.

Just as soon as he gave in.

His hand moved to rest on top of my rapidly expanding baby bump as he said, “I don’t want to hurt you or the baby.”

Deciding to try a different tactic, I leaned down and placed gentle kisses on his face as I said, “You won’t hurt us.” I moved to the side of his head and traced the outer edge of his ear with my tongue, whispering, “If anything, it’ll hurt so good.”

His arms wrapped around me and held me tighter against him with his body betraying his words, as he said, “I don’t want to take the chance.”

The way the Kraken throbbed in between us told me it was certainly willing to take the chance, so I kept trying to get Eric’s brain on board by taking the logical approach. “Dr. Ludwig said it would be okay. She would’ve told us not to if there was a chance something could go wrong.”

Even as his hands moved down to my hips so he could hold them in place while he rubbed his body against them, he sighed saying, “She said we could ‘resume marital relations’.”

Duh! Did he think I wanted to go do a naked tri-athalon?

“Exactly,” I purred against his neck. “We’re married, so resume relating me.”

I punctuated my point with another grind of my hips, but Eric’s hands disappeared again as he explained, “I can’t.”

I was starting to get pissed off and sat up, moving my body down his legs with the Kraken standing up like the centerfold of a pornographic pop-up book as I pointed to it saying, “Eric Junior disagrees.” I got up long enough to pull my soaked panties off and climbed back on top of him, adding a not so romantic thought, saying, “If you’re too tired, feel free to just lay there. I’ll do all the work.”

Before I could impale myself on him, Eric grabbed onto my hips and held them up in midair as his eyes bored into mine, seething out, “That’s not the issue! Even if I could convince myself that having sex wouldn’t hurt the baby, I can’t be convinced that I won’t hurt you.”

How I could feel frustrated to the point of exasperation, but still want to ride him like a bucking bronco no matter how much he was pissing me off was confusing to say the least. I blamed the pregnancy hormones as well as The Eric Northman’s naked body and snapped, “How? How do you think you’ll hurt me?” Gesturing towards Eric Junior, I added, “You’re huge and all, but, no offense; been there done that. I can handle everything you can give me.” Pointing at my baby bump, I said, “You’ll get to see the evidence in another six months or so.”

I could tell he was just as frustrated as me and probably would’ve hidden behind a pillow again if he could trust me to not use his body like a sex toy. It was a smart move on his part. Instead, his voice got low and dangerous sounding, which only made me want him more, when he admitted, “Up until now I’ve been leashed thanks to my cast. I don’t remember what we were like before the accident, but I know how I feel right now.” When I gave him a look that clearly said ‘Go on’, he added, “And, right now, I feel like I could fuck you right through this mattress, through the floor, through the first floor and probably halfway to China. It’s been too long. I’m too wound up. I want you too much to trust myself to be gentle with you.”

His admission took some of the wind out of my sails even as my hoohah released another helping of cumfetti like it was midnight on New Year’s Eve over the thought of how much I wanted to be pounded. I could tell that it was killing him to deny, not only me, but himself as well and took pity on him, smiling softly and saying, “Well, I’ve always wanted to see China one day, but since you think you can only get us halfway there, I can see your point.”

Watching him roll his eyes made me think he spent too much time with Pam, but I pushed those thoughts away and slid further down his body which made him ask, “What do you think you’re doing?”

I settled my face over the beast and licked the tip, saying, “I’m unwinding you.” My name was the only word he managed to utter before he gave up trying to talk. My mouth was too full to be able to maintain any conversation anyway and I went about unwinding him with every trick I could think of. The taste and feel of him throbbing in my mouth only turned me on more and he hadn’t been exaggerating when he’d said he was too wound up because it seemed like I’d barely gotten started when I his whole body went rigid and he came with muffled roar. I swallowed everything he had to give and looked up in time to see he’d covered his face with a pillow again which explained the muffled roar, but before I knew what was happening Eric had flipped me over and his head was suddenly buried between my legs.

He was right; it had been too long and I came almost as soon as I felt the first swipe of his tongue. I did my impression of Mrs. Pillow Face and bit into it trying to suppress the sounds I couldn’t help making when Eric didn’t stop. I certainly didn’t want him to stop and wasn’t about to tell him to stop, so when his lips wrapped around my clit with his tongue flicking across it like he was Led Zepplin, I quickly climbed the stairway to heaven and reached the top when he thrust two fingers inside of me. Tears, among other things, were leaking out of me as I came down from my orgasmic high and Eric pulled the pillow away from my face before pulling my lifeless body alongside his. He stole whatever breath I’d managed to accumulate with a kiss that kick started my libido and then shocked the hell out of me when he swatted my ass, saying, “Seductress.”

I was confused and turned on all at the same time and the only thing I could manage to say was, “Huh?”

My face was resting on his bare chest and I could make out every detail of it thanks to the moonlight coming in through the window, so the view certainly didn’t help my coherency until he explained, “Seducing your drunk husband.” He tried to take on a shocked tone, but ended up fighting off a yawn instead, as he asked, “What would Gran think if she knew?”

Despite feeling wiped out, I was still turned on, if not a little indignant at his accusation no matter how true it was, and huffed out, “You weren’t that drunk. Besides, I didn’t hear you or the pillow complaining any.” We lay there in silence for a few minutes while more than just my mouth drooled staring at his bare chest. The bed was really tiny with Eric in it which only made it logical for me to be practically lying on top of him. His nakedness only made it logical for me to want to proceed to round two and if Wicked and Immoral happened to go out on a reconnaissance mission, who was I to stop them?

They’d made it perfectly clear they didn’t answer to me.

Since Eric didn’t say anything, I attempted to distract him from their intelligence gathering on the ground, so to speak, and said, “Besides, now you’re unwound.” I started kissing his chest again and as I worked my way towards the middle, I hooked my leg over his side and slid my body on top of him, asking his Pecs, “You can be gentle now, can’t you?”

All I could think about was feeling him inside of me again. It had definitely been too long, so when he didn’t answer me, I pushed myself up and looked back at him expecting to have to seduce, I mean convince him again, only he ended up answering me; sort of.

With a snore.

He was asleep. I lifted my body up off of his only to ascertain that all of him was asleep and gently flopped back down at his side in defeat. Curling myself up against his body, his arm automatically wrapped around me, and I smiled when we sighed in unison despite my hoohah protesting his sleeping state.

I could wait. Thanksgiving was only a few short hours away and I had plenty to be thankful for.

Besides, Eric hadn’t met Seductress Sookie yet and she would be there with bells on.


2 comments on “Chapter 90

  1. kleannhouse says:

    ohh i loved this chapter, too funny KY

  2. lilydragonsblood says:

    Hilarious! x

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