Best Thing I Never Had


I couldn’t help chuckling when my eyes glanced down and took in the picture in front of them, so I picked up the newspaper from the table at my side to get a better look, while I waited for the woman to come out from the back of the shop with my dress for my final fitting.

William T. Compton.

Mayor of Shreveport to most.

Douche bag extraordinaire to me.

Defendant to the 5th Circuit Court.

An involuntary shiver worked its way down my spine when my eyes glanced up, taking in the sea of white dresses surrounding me, with me realizing how different my life might have been.

You know how they say your life flashes in front of your eyes when you think you’re about to die?

That’s what happened to me right then.

But only my college life flashed before my eyes and at the end of it I shook my head in disgust, wishing I could go back and wring College Sookie’s neck, when the only things I could recall were flashes of unsatisfactory sex in the missionary position and his snoring commencing immediately thereafter.

And I could now admit I was a bit of a douche bag for being fool enough to want him

My eyes quickly scanned the page and read that his wife, Selah, had finally wizened up and filed for divorce. I’d never blamed her for what had happened between Bill and me. She hadn’t known about me anymore than I’d known about her. But I’d had a hard time having any sympathy for her when Bill seemed to go off the rails over the last year. Because at every press conference that would surely follow his latest display of douchebaggery, I would see her on the news, standing there at his side and smiling, like the stench from her husband’s asshattery wasn’t making her stink like an ass too.

The only saving grace in the whole mess was they didn’t have any kids.

I would’ve hated for the little turds to have to face their friends at school, with the way their father had been acting.

But before I could get dizzy, watching their imaginary lives swirl down the toilet along with their father’s, the shop owner reappeared with my dress in hand and shooed me into a fitting room.

The dress was gorgeous – and white – which still managed to make me snicker, considering the groom had made it his life’s mission to fuck me in every position possible.

But that – among many other reasons – was why he was perfect for me.

And pulling it onto my body, I had a kind of surreal out-of-body moment come over me because I’d never once thought that I would be here.

Never thought I would let someone get close enough to me to hurt me again thanks to one douche bag extraordinaire.

Never thought I would find the one person who I could see spending the rest of my life with and not cringe at the thought.

But Eric was the one.

He was a force of nature to be reckoned with and I’d been struck by him from the moment we’d met.

Cum-struck, at first.

But I now knew that was just the icing on the wedding cake. It was the rest of him that made him perfect for me.

With the dress finally on – as much as I could manage to get it closed up the back by myself – I walked back out into the front room and climbed up on the pedestal in front of the mirrors, so she could finish buttoning it up. While she pushed and prodded, making sure the perfect fit was indeed perfect, I turned at the sound of the bell ringing, signaling someone else had just entered the shop.

Eric had made some noise earlier about needing to make a delivery.

Of his cum, I had assumed, given the leer on his face when I’d told him where I was going.

What can brown do for you, indeed.

But instead of seeing my sex on a stick in brown UPS shorts, I saw another brown stick walk into the shop.

A shit stick.

Also known as a douche bag extraordinaire.

To me.


“I saw you through the window,” he said, smiling like it was perfectly normal for him to casually drop by a bridal shop and drop a load into my otherwise good day.

I saw you through shitty flashbacks.

I grimaced – for many reasons – and silently stared at the man I could hardly recognize anymore. Of course his appearance had changed over the years, as did everyone’s. But it wasn’t flecks of gray in his hair or lines on his face that made him nearly unrecognizable. It was wild look in his eyes. The bloat in his face and body, giving away however many nights he’d spent tying one on, on a barroom barstool, although the sweaty sheen of vodka oozing out of his pores would have given that away too. Even his hair, which he’d been so meticulous about styling, was in disarray.

But the ridiculous sideburns were still there. It was the only resemblance I could find in the man I had once thought I’d loved.

But I’d been wrong. I knew what love was now and what I’d felt for Bill had been far from it.

However, seeing him face to face for the first time since he’d begun flushing his life down the toilet, I couldn’t resist dipping a toe into the bowl and asking, “You’ve heard of the phrase, ‘A lawyer who defends himself, has a fool for a client?’ Why on earth haven’t you retained counsel?”

Bill was defending himself at his upcoming trial. A fact that made Pam positively giddy, since she would be the opposing counsel for the People in his criminal case. Other than Eric, Sophie Anne LeClerq was the only other judge who oversaw criminal cases and she had been one of his more outspoken supporters in the previous election when he’d become the mayor, so she’d quickly recused herself. Eric was only too happy to sit on the bench for his jury trial and since my life with Bill had taken place years before my life with Eric, there was no tangible reason for him to do the same.

But Bill knew Eric and I were together now.

Hell, everyone within earshot of his chambers knew, thanks to our frequent lunch dates, since his preferred meal was located in between my thighs.

I wasn’t quiet.

But the fact Bill hadn’t even lobbied to have his case heard in another district showed how mentally unstable he’d become.

But then, he’d also always been inept.

Especially in the sack.

Looking over at the man now standing beside her, I had to wonder if the shop owner was seeing the mayor or the douche bag. I guessed the latter when her eyes grew wide and she scurried from the room, saying she needed more pins.

But it was probably the stench of shit she needed to get away from.

“I only want the best defense lawyer to see me vindicated from their trumped up charges,” he drawled, with the sound of his southern gentleman twang making my clit tuck up into my body and hide.

I don’t know why.

They’d never met one another.

But hearing him say ‘trumped’ made some of the pieces that had still been puzzling me click together.

That’s what his thinning hair reminded me of!

Donald Trump!

If he’d been stuck outside reporting on Hurricane Katrina for the Weather Channel.

The sound of, ‘You’re fired!’ blaring out in my mind was drowned out by the actual sound of Bill’s voice, when he seemed pleased with himself as he ended with, “Who better to defend me than me?”

But seeing the smug look on his mug, only reminded of every other time I’d seen it.

He’d always only pleased himself, leaving me to take care of me.

I could only shake my head – more so because my clit had no reason to fear than anything else – and looked back at him, with the incredulousness I felt coming through in my voice as I asked, “Trumped up charges? Bill…there’s video.”

And mentally added, all over the internet.

“Entrapment!” he scoffed and then added, “And who of us hasn’t tried crack?”

Uh…me, for one.

I would have scoffed at his pshaw attitude, but I ended up needing to keep my trap shut when he made me throw up in my mouth a little by taking my hand in his own as he said, “I’ve missed you, Sookie.”


And I quickly snatched my hand back and looked around, hoping to see a bottle of sanitizer, before looking back at him and asking, “Are you high?”

It wasn’t impossible.

Possession of a controlled substance and being under the influence were among two of the charges against him.

But he ignored my question and only said, “You look beautiful and you know, Selah and I are no longer together. And you’ve done so well for yourself over the years, making something of your life when you’d grown up with nothing. The public likes it when the underdog wins. So with Selah out of the way, we can be together now. Doesn’t the title of being the mayor’s wife sound much more appealing than being the wife of a lowly circuit court judge?”

Appealing? No.

Abhorrent? Absolutely.

I didn’t know where to begin, with my impending tirade caught in the traffic jam in my throat. I’d let go of my past hurt a long time ago – neither forgiven nor forgotten – but I hadn’t dwelled on it. I’d refused to allow him to have that power over me when Eric came into my life. No longer unwilling to open myself up to someone new, he had been the one to show me it was okay to trust someone again.

And it was the image of Eric in my mind that cleared up the traffic jam in my throat.

He was a force of nature, after all.

“First of all,” I snarled, stepping down from the pedestal and jabbing him in his Pillsbury Doughboy chest with my finger, “I should send Selah a gift for saving me from your sorry ass all of those years ago because I’ve come to realize how foolish I truly was. I didn’t love you. I loved the idea of love, but I know the difference now. You – Bill Compton – are the best thing I never had.”

And staring at him now, I mentally added herpes.

If not that, I was sure he had something akin to it festering down there by now.

“And second,” I hissed out, with a second jab to his chest. “I didn’t grow up with nothing. I grew up with a woman who loved me unconditionally and taught me the value in working for what I wanted. She made me the person I am today.”

I pushed him back even further, with both my body and another jab to his paunch with my finger, saying, “And third, I know exactly who I am and a dog, under or otherwise, isn’t it. I ran out of give a fuck a long time ago, so I don’t care what other people think about me.”

Moving even more into his personal space, I cringed at not just the vodka emanating from his body, but the unmistakable smell of heroin surrounding him. It was something I’d become familiar with in my many jailhouse meetings, sitting across from other defendants, with all of them hoping for a plea deal.

Something Bill wasn’t even willing to entertain, according to Pam.

But it only served to emphasize how blessed I was when I added, “And as for that lowly circuit court judge, you pompous ass, he could collect garbage for a living and I would still be fresh out of give a fuck. He’s worked for everything he has. Nothing was given to him – be it a silver spoon or a family name that opened doors he had no other way of getting through. He is a better man than you’ll ever be and he is mine just as surely as I am his.”

With all of my jabbing and moving, my impromptu Muhammad Ali impersonation had floated him like a butterfly back to the door of the dress shop. So I opened it up and gestured to the sidewalk, booting him out of the shop and out of my life once and for all, with the departing words of, “But I’ll give you credit for one thing Bill. You taught me the good in goodbye.”

As I stared back at him, in spite of my anger, I felt good. It felt good to finally get the closure I’d been denied all of those years ago.

College Sookie had been too meek to go off on him.

Present Day Sookie had grown a set of balls.

After a long moment of staring at me in disbelief – highlighting his level of batshit crazy – he turned with a huff and walked out of the shop without another word. The shop owner had reappeared at the sound of the bell and looked relieved to see he was gone. And once she assured me my dress didn’t smell like ass now, thanks to the asshat’s visit, she declared the dress fit me perfectly.

Just like the man I would be wearing it for.

I had just finished storing it in the trunk of my car when my phone rang and I smiled seeing Eric’s name flash on the caller ID, answering with a, “Hey you…”

He sounded positively sinful as he purred out, “How’s the dress shopping?”

“Good,” I breathily replied, having a Pavlovian response to the sex dripping from his voice.

Other things were dripping elsewhere lower on my body too.

“I can’t wait to see it.”

Well he would have to, but only for another couple of weeks. But just in case he became confused once he saw me in it, my smile over the ridiculousness came through in my voice when I added, “I’ll give you a hint. I’ll be the one in white, playing the role of the virgin bride.”

“And I’ll be the man in black, prepared to deflower you.”

Uh huh.

He probably wouldn’t even wait for the, ‘I do’s’.

And my clit chose that moment to come out of hiding, so it wouldn’t miss out on the big day.

Alluding he had a sixth sex sense about such things – something I wouldn’t doubt – he asked, “Did I catch you naked? My cock just twitched, so I thought I would call and check.”

“Your cock must need to be calibrated,” I laughed. “Because I’m standing – fully clothed – on the sidewalk outside of the shop.”

He poorly faked the surprise in his voice at his good fortune over having nothing going on at the moment, when we both knew he had the day off, as he said, “I just so happen to have time for a cock calibration.”


When didn’t he?

But instead of calling him out on it, I only smiled and said, “Then I suppose it’s a good thing you accidentally dialed The Cock Squad. We’re a lesser known subsidiary of The Geek Squad.”

He chuckled and sounded more loving than lustful when he replied, “Then I suppose it’s a good thing I made the Best Buy of my life by putting a ring on it.”

Aww…he was so sweet.

And I was going to fuck him so hard in appreciation.

But instead of telling him that – because it would be akin to telling him the sky was blue – I only said, “Then I suppose I should get going before my customer gets a case of the ass because I made him wait.”

“I’m sure he’ll let you know if he’s displeased,” he growled. “You’ll know it when he spanks your ass.”

Yep. My clit had definitely come out of hiding.

And then he added, “But if that doesn’t work for you, you could always reprise your role of the Naughty Nurse.” And infusing his voice with a slight panic, he said, “Parts of me have fallen and I can’t get them up!”

I laughed again and shook my head at his silliness – yet another thing I loved about him – and said, “I’m coming.”

“You will be,” he growled before we ended the call.

So I got in the car and drove home with a smile on my face – the long way home to make sure my ass got that spanking – but first I would need a shower.

After my unexpected visitor, I wanted to make sure I didn’t smell like ass.


27 comments on “Best Thing I Never Had

  1. missron80 says:

    I swear my ovaries packed a bag and moved out after that description of Bill. He makes my skin crawl more than a bobbing for spiders in a septic tank

  2. suzyq591suzy says:

    Good for Sookie that she got that closure from Bill goat. Happy Birthday to your wifey.

  3. Jackie69 says:

    Happy birthday to your wifey and I loved this story I’m still laughing…take care

  4. Roxybird says:

    Love it! Happy Birthday makesmyheadspin! I can’t wait for the rest to get done baking.

  5. msbuffy says:

    A very Happy, Happy Birthday to you, Meg, a.k.a. makes my head spin, Queen of Snark & all things blunt & honest! I hope you get to spend your day enjoying all the things that make a birthday the best day of the year, getting to make your wishes come true! Perhaps even one that includes a day or night with a blue-eyed Viking (we can all wish). So how many 29th birthdays have you celebrated, or is the first? Have a great one, no matter how many times you’ve celebrated your 29th! All the best as I raise my glass to you!

    And a special thanks to you, kjwrit for sharing Meg’s birthday present with the rest of us. It was a special piece of lovely lemony goodness!

  6. kleannhouse says:

    that was awesome i love this story, i have re-read it now a couple of times and now i have a new chapter to add to it. the banter and sex are awesomesauce with these two…. thank you…. but Bill what a dick, we can be together, yeah right, as if…. thanks for sharing KY

  7. trubie35 says:

    So awesome and funny. Thanks for sharing!

  8. duckbutt60 says:

    Tender and funny –well, the E/S part. Bill stopping by made my ovaries shrivel –ugh, it’s as if the computer had a “smell applet” because my nose was twitching at the description of his foul presence….
    Happy Birthday Ms. Meg! May you love long and write forever!

  9. askarsgirl says:

    “I don’t know why.

    They’d never met one another.”


    My husband keeps giving me the side eye as I read this. My frequent outbursts of laughter has him wondering wtf? 😃

  10. gwynwyvar says:

    Eww. Bill is beyond disgusting!
    So glad Sookie had the chance to tell him how completely useless he is. And I love that song! Perfect song 🙂
    Thankyou for a great chapter present!
    Happy birthday MMHS!

  11. tragicallyrezerved says:

    Okay 1. I heart you!!! I’ve been reading everything you write and I love every word! Just had to say it 2. Bill reminds of a mix of Canadian politicians…Mayors, Senators and 3. I heart you!!! It makes my day when I see a new post from you

  12. GB says:

    ROTFL awesome…

  13. lostinspace33 says:

    Happy birthday to makesmyheadspin! And thank you so much for sharing her awesome birthday present with us! 🙂

  14. jules3677 says:

    Yay Sookie. Liked the idea of her pushing him out the shop door while in a wedding dress. Pity he didn’t fall on his ass. A girl can dream. Delightful piece of writing.

  15. Oh dearest Wifey, how I love thee. Sookie’s clit going into hiding reminded me of Chandler’s balls jumping up into his body every time he got near Janice but it’s so stinking accurate. As was what Missron said about her ovaries packing a bag. I think mine are on the same bus as hers because Bill is a disgusting pig. And yet… so fucking funny in all his delusions. Thank you so much for taking all the time to write this for me! I know how busy you are so I really, really appreciate it. I can’t wait to post yours in a few days!

  16. murgatroid98 says:

    Bill is truly revolting. Excellent chapter.

  17. That was sweet, funny, and sexy. With a little bit of yuck (for stinky Beal) mixed in.
    As always, thank you.

  18. Cheryl says:

    Bill will always be known as the Douche bag! Absolutely loved this! Thanks for sharing it with us. Happy Birthday MMHS!

  19. fanficglo says:

    I love this silly, kinky, argumentative dynamic duo! Can’t wait for the wedding day & night!

    Glad Bill was put in his place, & more than likely going to find a place at some penitentiary!

  20. hartvixen123 says:

    Good for Sookie. I’m happy she was able to get tht closure with ass hat Bill. Just imagining what he looks like gives me the shivers (and not in a good way).

    I’m so glad Sookie is getting her HEA with Eric. They are adorable!

  21. lilydragonsblood says:

    superb! loved it! x

  22. Judith says:

    “Did I catch you naked? My cock just twitched”…lol.freaken awesome as always kjwrit.

  23. askarsgirl says:

    If your muse allows, a follow up on these two would be awesome. I just love this little story!

  24. kleannhouse says:

    i started re-reading and i would love to see the next chapter with these two. KY

  25. lilydragonsblood says:

    Brilliant. Loved this. x

  26. lilydragonsblood says:

    Adored this re-read! x

  27. lilydragonsblood says:

    Back again. Funny and sweet. x

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