I stared back at her trying to comprehend the fact that the life I had previously led, foolishly thinking it wasn’t so great, had just been made unfathomably worse. Was it worth it? Could I give up my dreams of movie stardom and be relegated to the coveted center spot on Hollywood Squares? Did that game show even still exist? I knew the answer was ‘No’ to all of those questions, but I did the only thing I could do.
Pam knew me well enough from the look of defeat I wore and the sag of my shoulders that I had caved, even if I hadn’t said the words out loud. In the time span of less than one hour I had learned I married a She-Devil the night before and would apparently have to stay married to her for a whole year. A whole year of my life where I couldn’t cum and go as I pleased. And given the hate/hate relationship we immediately cultivated after waking up this morning, I didn’t see the two of us doing the horizontal mambo any time soon, if at all. Looking down at my new steady girlfriend, my clenched right hand, I got angry all over again and asked, “Now what? I guess I’m supposed to cart your ass to Rodeo Drive and buy you some big ass diamond ring?” It’s what every bitch wanted, right?
She just shook her head and stood up saying, “I told you Eric, I don’t want anything from you except for your celibacy. If you fuck me over by fucking anyone while we’re pretending to do this, I’ll go on every talk show out there and paint you as the biggest loser there is. As it is, I wouldn’t even have to make anything up yet and we’ve haven’t even been married 24 hours. I’m sure I’ll have plenty of material to work with by the time my tear stricken face goes on Oprah. I was a girl scout; a straight A student; I volunteer at the homeless shelter and read stories to the folks at the Senior Citizens Center. I’m so fucking wholesome there should be bluebirds singing on my shoulders as I hand feed the baby squirrels and bunnies that flock around my fucking feet the minute I step outside. You are the only skeleton in my closet; how’s yours looking?”
Was she serious? I didn’t know her, at all, but something told me she was. Well, except for the birds and bunnies and shit.
I still hated her, but even more so I hated that my dick twitched imagining her dressed up as a sexy Disney Princess and couldn’t help thinking no one that hot could be that much of a do-gooder. The fucking mouth on her contradicted everything she’d just said, but I somehow believed her. Take away the scrap of fabric dress and sex hair she was sporting and she did look wholesome. Her blond hair and blue eyes combined with her southern accent made her so fucking girl-next-door that she probably shit apple pies. You’d think, by looking at her, that she’d be a shy southern belle, but I was learning fairly quickly in reality she was anything but timid. If my bachelorhood and a whole fucking year of my life weren’t on the line I might consider her as a worthy temporary companion, but her wolf in sheep’s clothing persona was too credible. No one would believe me over her in any allegation she made and thoughts of her going on Oprah telling the world that I shit in diapers while calling her ‘Mommy’ in the bedroom made me shiver. They’d play the subdued music to open the show, I just knew it.
We were back to staring each other down when Pam intervened by saying, “You both need to wear wedding rings, not just for show, but to cover up those monstrosities you had tattooed on yourselves. Hearts? How fucking drunk do you have to be to get hearts?”
“Fucking drunk enough to have blocked the whole thing out,” Sookie snapped. I wanted to be skeptical of her claim, but seeing as how I had no recollection of the previous night either, I couldn’t call her on bullshitting everyone. “I already have a wedding ring at home that I can wear.”
“But you said you’ve never been married before,” Pam glared back at her with her eyes narrowing from her earlier claim.
“I haven’t. It was my mother’s ring.”
When it became apparent that was all she was going to say Pam looked at me saying, “I’ll pick one up for you and drop it off later on tonight, minus the fucking hearts. Both of you need to get cleaned up so the ecstatic newlyweds can make an appearance for the cameras downstairs and we can get the hell out of here. There’s a lot to do and little time to do it.”
Our eyes locked again, silently loathing the other for what we had to do, before returning to our metaphorical corners. Mine being the en suite bathroom, but as she started walking towards the door with her friend, Pam called out, “Sookie, where do you think you’re going?”
“Back to our room so I can get cleaned up!” she huffed. If I was going to last a year I’d have to find the ‘off’ switch to her bitch setting. With luck I’d find her horny princess setting.
“You can’t leave. There could be paparazzi lurking anywhere and it would look odd for you to leave your new hubby’s suite to get changed.” If Pam wasn’t the best at what she did for a living I would have thrown her out a window a long time ago. As it was, I contemplated tossing her off the balcony figuring nothing short of a wooden stake to her cold dead heart could kill her. Since she didn’t have one, coupled with the amount of Botox in her system, I was pretty sure she was immortal anyway.
“But my stuff is in Amelia’s room. What am I supposed to wear because I’m sure as hell not wearing this.” My brain flashed on the probability of her having that sexy Princess dress back in her room and I was left perplexed over simultaneously hating her while wanting to fuck her. I was pretty sure ‘angry sex’ had its merits and I could be easily convinced to give it a try.
“Perhaps Amelia can bring your things back to you?” Pam purred, eye fucking Amelia. I’d heard that tone from her before and rolled my eyes that she could find it within herself to try and get some pussy right in front of me, knowing I had to go cold turkey. I was surrounded by nothing but bitches.
Sookie’s friend Amelia seemed to have caught on to Pam’s flirting and while she didn’t flirt back, I definitely got the feeling that she could be open to her advances from the coy look she wore. I looked over towards the balcony gauging the distance and knew it wouldn’t take much force to propel Pam over the ledge from where I stood. Before I did something I might eventually regret, I left them to figure it out for themselves and headed into the bathroom to take a shower.
I quickly stripped and stepped under the hot spray hoping it would wash away the fog of the previous night. I’d never lost an entire night before and decided I’d lay off the hard liquor for now and just stick to the few beers I drank when we had our weekly poker games at my house. Hopefully the missus could find something to do outside of the house on Wednesday nights when the guys came over and I wouldn’t have put up with her bitchiness. It was the only time I had to completely relax during the week and I wasn’t about to give it up.
I glanced down at the sheet she’d worn earlier that morning, discarded on the bathroom floor, and wished I could remember any part of the evening before. Especially the fucking part and when I walked back into the bedroom I took the time to really look at my surroundings hoping something would jog my memory. The cum stains on the sheets were proof enough we’d fucked as were the sweaty heart shaped ass prints I discovered on the top of the dresser where the lamps were toppled over and the drywall behind it broken open, I assumed, from the force of our sexcapades. What was it with us and hearts?
As I dried off, my mind was still running over everything that had happened and I couldn’t let myself believe I’d have to go a whole year without fucking. The only way that would be acceptable in my mind would be if I was in prison, but then again, didn’t the saying go about spouses being the proverbial ball and chain? I’d wear head to toe pink lycra before I’d willingly put on an orange jumpsuit and join the other husbands on the chain gang.
I still felt dehydrated from the night before, so after I pulled on a pair of jeans I walked out into the main room of the suite to get a bottle of water and saw Sookie sitting on the couch. Her friend Amelia was nowhere to be seen, so I assumed she’d gone to get Sookie’s things from their room and my step slowed when I noticed her eyes taking in my bare chest as she swallowed hard before blushing and looking away again. A part of me, the part not still consumed by anger, reveled in the effect I had on her and I wondered how long it would take to seduce her into my bed.
I slowly stalked across the room and made sure to stand in her line of sight as I opened a water bottle and drank it down, making sure to flex all of the right muscles and watching her reaction in my peripheral vision. She refused to look my way instead filling her time by picking imaginary lint from her dress. I contemplated going completely over the top by pouring the water down the front of my chest just to get a rise out of her when a knock at the door had her shooting over to it like she’d just been tossed a life preserver.
Once she established it was her friend Amelia on the other side of the door she opened it up and grabbed her bag, making a beeline for the bathroom. Amelia joined Alcide on the couch while Pam barked orders into her cell phone, so I casually strolled back into the bedroom hoping to amuse myself by making Sookie uncomfortable some more, but the empty room and closed bathroom door put a temporary halt to my seduction plans.
I got a taste of my own medicine, however, when Sookie finally emerged from the bathroom a little while later. I’d chosen the stay in the bedroom scrolling through the various emails on my phone after listening to the voicemails that had been left by my father and numerous fuck buddies. None of them were happy at the news that I’d gotten married, but then again, neither was I so they could just join the fucking club. I didn’t give a shit about what any of my apparently now former bed partners thought, but my father was a different story. Once he was through ranting about all four of his tires being slashed, he let me know he’d be waiting at my house when I got home and expected an explanation of why I married some “two-bit floozy”. We’d have to get our stories straight before getting home and I had a feeling if my father called Sookie a “two-bit floozy” to her face, he’d quickly learn what it was like to be Sookie’d. I almost felt sorry for him. Almost.
But all thoughts of the confrontation that awaited us at home left my head when I saw Sookie walk out of the bathroom fresh from her shower. Her hair was dried into loose curls, left down and framing her face which bore nothing more than a little mascara and lip gloss. The scarlet red dress had been replaced by a white sundress with tiny red flowers scattered across the fabric, the hem falling just below her knees and accentuating her golden skin. She was the epitome of the word ‘wholesome’ and I was momentarily left dumbstruck by just how beautiful she was.
When my eyes traveled back to hers, I closed my gaping mouth from the angry glare on her face and as she stomped from the room I was left feeling nothing but relief. Thank God, we almost had a ‘moment’, I thought, but I needed the head above my shoulders to keep the head below my belt in line. I knew it would be a neck and neck race to the finish line between them.
Once we had all of our things gathered a bellhop arrived to take our bags down to the limo that would be taking us back to L.A. Amelia would be driving her own car back while Alcide drove Pam’s so the three of us could come up with a plausible story on our whirlwind courtship and resulting marriage.
Sookie and I stood on opposite sides of the elevator as we made our descent to the lobby, but as the floors counted down Pam shoved us together and put Sookie’s left hand into my right one saying, “Happy! You two are happy to be married.”
I glanced down at the blond ball and chain at my right and felt her fingers lace into my own when the elevator dinged announcing the start of our show. I forced a smile onto my face when the flashbulbs and shouts filtered in through the open elevator doors and stepped out, pulling my co-star along with me, knowing we’d have to give the performance of a lifetime.